Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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It is a common belief that students do not need to study such as art and music at schools. However, I firmly believe that taking art and music classes at the school would be able to foster creativity their thinking and help make them t relieve stress.
To begin with, art and music classes would encourage students to help develop creativity. Various activity classes which make students to create a output required students creativity and innovative. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) It means that when they take the class, they will produce using their creative and innovative thinking for making results. According to a research conducted by SPA, account for 90 percentages of students who participated cultural activities such as arts and music classes increased slightly their EQ and IQ. On the other hand, other students who took only academic courses such as math, society and science stayed their quotient. As a result, we can see that cultural art activities allow young people can think more creative and innovative. (이런 거, 즉 윗 말을 숫자나 고유명사만 붙여서 그대로 반복하는 것은 필요 없습니다. 지워진 부분을 대신해서, 앞의 근거가 '왜' 가능한지를, 음악/미술 수업 '고유의 특성' 을 들어서 설명할 수 있어야 해요. 가령 음악 시간에 주어진 다양한 주제에 따라 멜로디를 떠올리는 과정에서, 다른 정규 수업에서 얻을 수 없는 창의적인 사고가 증진된다~이런 류의 느낌으로 적어주시면 됩니다.)
On top of that, art and music classes would be able to create opportunities for students to releive relief stress. Most of mantel clinics use their own ways of treatment such as art therapy for people who have a lot of stress or depression, and some schools also have classes similar to those as clinics, which helps students relieve stress by expressing their feelings in painting or playing musical instruments. For instance, when i I was a middle school student, my friends and I had had a lot of stresses, due to studying of academic, and we were presented violence. We could not control our stress ourselves. However, we were forced to take after school class about art therapy by teachers. Eventually, We we were able to control our mind and relive stresses. (여기의 예시도 일단 문법 체크는 해드렸지만, 마찬가지로 윗 말을 그대로 반복하기 때문에 아무 의미를 갖지 못합니다. '미술 수업이 스트레스 해소에 된다' 는 주장만 계속 돌려말하지 마시고, 그게 '어떻게' '왜' 도움이 되는지를 구체적으로 작성해주세요!) Based on the above result, art and music lecures can be therapy methods for having stress students.
To sum up, participating art and music classes would help develop students abilities and relieve stress. For these reasons, It it is important that schools should implement a regulation for students to take activity classes obligatorily.
총평: (5/5/6/5) 5.5
이전 글과 비슷한 맥락에서, 각 근거에 대해 구체적으로 파고들지 못하고, 그냥 겉에서 비슷한 말만 계속 반복되는 상황이라 좋지 않습니다. 링크를 하나 넣어드릴테니 0-3번을 꼭 정독해주시고, 연구/설문 등을 쓰는 건 웬만한 능숙도를 지니지 않은 이상 현재의 문제점이 계속 나타날 거니까 사용하지 않는 걸 추천드립니다. 단, 5점대 정도만 목표하신다면, 지금 중요한 건 그게 아니기 때문에 제가 말씀드린 사항에 굳이 신경쓰지 않으셔도 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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