The two pie charts give information about the expenditure trends of male and female student’s income in seven different sectors.
In general,
male students spend much more money on eating out, drink and sports segments
than female students whilst female students tend to spend the large sum of
money on clothing and cosmetics which are not intrigued by male students.
To be specific,
men allocate 26% of their disposal income on eating out, 24% on drink and 21%
on sports respectively. three of them The aforementioned three factors take up a really huge (구어에 가깝기도 하며, 애초에 삼쏭님 정도 실력이면 이것보다 나은 표현을 찾으실 수 있을 겁니다.) portion to 71%
which is over three quarters three quarters 는 75%입니다.). This contrasts with the ratio for the female
students as they only spend 12% on eating out, 9% on drink and 6% on the sport.
On the other
hand, women spend a substantial amount of money on clothing and cosmetics which
are together at 55% and it is followed by eating out at 12%. ))))))) However, male
students spend 9% on clothing and especially, the cosmetic is by far the least
industry; 4% only. Last not but least, the remaining two parts, entertainment
and transport for both parties show pretty much similar spending trends to 6%
and 10% for men and 10% and 8% respectively. (현재 문단 구분은 다시 해주셔야 하는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
목표는 7.5 입니다! 많은 조언 부탁 드립니다.
총평: (8/6/7/7) 7.0
문단을 나눌 때에는 명확한 기준이 존재해야 합니다. 이에 비추어 봤을 때 마지막 두 문단은 그러한 기준이 없는 상태이고요. 파란색 반괄호가 쳐있는 부분까지만 읽으면, '이 수험생이 남/녀로 나눴군' 이라고 생각하고 문단 구분에서 감점이 따로 들어가지 않겠지만, 그 이후 갑자기 남성이 다시 나오는 등 명확한 기준이 보이지 않게 되었죠.
고로 남/녀로 나누든, 공통점/차이점으로 나누든 상관은 없지만, 뭐가 됐든 확실한 기준을 갖춰주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)