The bar
chart compares the number of people who attended at hospital emergency care
departments per 1000-population in Northern Ireland in December 2016 and December
2017. The information was divided by age group.
Overall,
it can be seen that all age groups experienced slight growth in attendances over
the period given. The people in the age group between 75 and above showed the highest
attendances both in December 2016 and December (생략 가능하고, 그렇게 해주는 게 좋습니다.) 2017, while people those aged 5 to 15 made the least visits to the were the least attended at hospital emergency care department over the periods
given.
First
of all, attendances of the age group from 75 to over were around 63 per
1000-population in December 2016, which increased to about 67 per 1000-population
in December 2017. Following this, the age group under 5 took up the second highest
figure at approximately 50 per 1000-population and 64 per 1000-population in
December 2016 and December 2017.
Looking
at the others, attendances of the three age groups between 16 and 74 years old
saw a similar trend, hovering around 30 per 1000-population in both two period in
the chart. Interestingly, people who were 5 to 15-year-olds had relatively
lower attendances at just above 20 per 1000-population in December 2016, accounting
for a slightly higher number at 21 per 1000-population in December 2017. (이 문단의 경우도 제가 이전에 해드린 made a visit 등을 이용해서 가끔가다 대체해주시면 됩니다. 이 외에 다양한 방법이 있고, 넝디님 실력이면 충분히 다른 표현들을 찾으실 수 있을 겁니다.)
감사합니다 :)
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
이정도면 큰 문제 없이 잘 써주신 편입니다. 아마 단위 표현이 조금 어려우셨을 수도 있는데 잘 해주셨고요. 관사의 경우 살짝 문제가 있긴 했지만, 사실 관사에 굳이 목매달 건 없습니다. (만약에 여가시간에 심심하거나 졸리면, 이때 관사 공부 하시면 됩니다.)
attendance의 사용이 살짝 잦다는 점 정도에만 주의해주시면 될 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다 :)