주제는 청소년 범죄율의 증가에 대한 CPS 유형이요 ㅜㅜㅜ
Nowadays, the criminal Criminal rate of teenagers is increasing every years.
In this regard It it will be meaningfull (파란 단어는 철자 문제가 있는 단어들입니다. 일부러 안 수정하고 표시만 해드렸으니까, 절대로 '아 그런가보다~' 하고 넘기지 마시고 꼭 사전에서 정확한 철자를 찾아서 익혀주세요!)
Why such a problem happens and how it can be solved and how can solve this problem ,as shown below
Firstly , The the reason of the increase in the criminal rate of teenagers is because of the generosity of the law
A lot of teenagers is be are free from punishment because they are young.
For instance , teenagers who do commit serious crime only take is take light punichment unlike adults,
Teenagers of some do crime while use vulnerability of this offender (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.)
Also, teenagers are is immature about how solve stress
Many teenagers have a lot of problems, However , They however, they do not know that how to solve the problem.
For example, They they who can not do anything due to discord of family commit a crime such as theft
They do not know how to care the stress Therefore , Their their violence has an influence on other people.
In this reagrd , crime rate of teenagers is steadily increasing every years
However , We can solve such problem as different way we can solve such problems in different ways.
First, teenagers who commit serious crimes should be centenced as the same sentences as adults by improving the vulnerability of the law.
If they know the seriousness of punishments scary of law , the rate of crime will be more decrease.
As far as this is concerned, Teachers teachers can be teach teaching to teenagers the way to of solve the problem
For example , Government the government should employ more youth guidance counselors.
A youth Youth guidance counselor can make their them feel comport while we they are listening to their story.
If we can solve the stress as right way , They they will live a better future when they are an adult.
In conclusion , although rate crime of teenagers is incresing however we can solve this problem through vrious ways.
총평: 지금 단계에서는 점수를 매기는 게 딱히 의미가 없어서 점수를 생략했지만, 냉정하게 말씀드리면 실전에서 현재 글이 제출되었다고 가정하면, 받을 점수는 잘 쳐줘도 4.0이고 웬만하면 3점대로 떨어질 겁니다.
내용 자체만 놓고 보면 그렇게 나쁘지 않은 글임에도 불구하고 점수가 이렇게 떨어지는 이유는 딱 한 가지로 요약되고요. 지금 하는 작업은 시를 쓰는 게 아니라 에세이를 쓰는 것입니다. 그러나 현재 글은 시를 쓰듯이 줄마다 엔터가 쳐져있으며, 문장부호의 사용도 안 되어있거나 엉뚱한 방향으로 되어있어요. (온점이 거의 안 들어가있으며, 쉼표 사용도 잘못되었습니다. 쉼표는 앞 단어와 붙여주셔야 해요.)
문법상 문제, 철자 문제보다도 앞서 제가 말씀드린 기본기에 해당하는 두 부분부터 지켜주시는 게 우선이므로 이걸 꼭 체크해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)