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<Topic>
People now have the freedom to work and live anywhere
in the world due to the development of communication technology and
transportation.
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the
disadvantages?
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It is clear (저도 첫 검토때에는 이걸 못 찾아냈는데, 잘 찾아서 수정해주셨네요~실전에서도 이처럼 잔실수들을 정말 최소한으로 줄일 수 있어야 합니다.) to say
that, thanks to the notable development in transportation and technologies,
people do not have to wait for letters or new information for a long time.
However, some people say that it makes us easily exhausted as
our freedom has been shrunk. Personally, I would like to opine that
the benefits of this trend far outweigh the downsides. In this essay,
the benefits and drawbacks will be discussed alongside my opinion in the end.
By remarkable
growth of the air transportation system, companies are able to
recruit international employees to run their business globally.
Therefore, a lot of job seekers can have (여기는 have been given 이 조금 더 나아보이긴 하네요.) more opportunities compared to the
past and once they determine to move their employees to the certain area, now
people simply take flights to go there or work in their home by using the
video-call. Living seems to have changed enormously as well.
Consumers are able to purchase unique exotic products from other nations in a
short period, thanks to international behemoths such as Amazon and Alibaba.
In addition, if people want to sell used items at affordable prices, they
can post it in an online auction instead of going to the
bazaar or performing (기존에 do에서 탈피하신 것은 좋습니다. 개인적으로는 conduct가 더 나아보이지만, 크게 상관은 없을 거에요.) garage sales.
On the other hand, some people complain that human rights have been
abused owing to the developed technologies and transportation. One reason is
that work-rest period has been reduced after on-duty hours since people
can work anytime and anywhere. For example, we tend to frequently see the
people who work in the airplane with their laptop and smartphone, apart from
sleeping and eating due to newly introduced aircraft wi-fi. What is
more, as the electronic devices are generally expensive, it became a new
target of burglars. Thus, tourists should be careful of their
possession, not only money but also their smartphone which can be
stolen as fast as lightning (음...사실 제가 그때 꽁치님께서 찾으시길 원했던 표현은 within a blink of an eye 와 같은 류였습니다!). It cannot be confined to only tourists
but people’s daily lives, hence, we must look after their portable devices
regardless of circumstances.
In conclusion,
although there are some negative aspects of smart technologies and
transportation, I firmly believe that the positive effects of its
development are more significant than the disadvantages.
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[ 361 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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선생님~ 조언해주신 부분을 토대로 수정 해보았고 preposition, subordinate clauses 나 modal verbs도 나름대로 수정 혹은 가미해 보았습니다. 말씀해주시는 조언처럼, writing은 항상 시간에 쫓기다 보니 검수를 나름해보아도 시간이 지나 다시 보면 부족한 부분이 많이 보이는 것 같습니다.
항상 소중한 조언 감사드리며, 여유가 있으실 때 한 번 더 보아주시면 정말 감사드리겠습니다. :)
총평: 이런저런 수정사항들이 잘 반영되어서 이전보다 깔끔해졌네요!
실전에서도 아마 수정없이 40분내로 간신히 제출하기보다는, 35분내로 여유있게 마무리지은 다음에, 5분동안 수정의 시간을 갖는 게 점수에 있어 훨씬 도움이 될 겁니다. task1의 경우도 17-18분내로 작성하고 2~3분 가량의 검토를 해주시면 좋고요.
수고하셨습니다 :)