Traffic congestion and air pollution >> pollution problem 인데 과연 air pollution에만 한정시킬 수 있을까요? have been one of the serious problems that people in modern era have faced. People suggest many ideas to deal with these problems. However, in my opinion, increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve those because increased price of gasoline will make people to use public transportation, as well as encourage car companies to make eco-friendly cars using alternative energy sources. People intend to increase the price of petrol. I am of this opinion and suggest a solution below. >> 필요없는 말들이 많이 쓰였습니다 문제들에 직면해왔다 사람들은 많은 방법을 생각했다 하지만 내 의견으론~~ 이 부분에서 사람들은 많은 방법을 생각했다란 말은 필요가 없습니다 없이도 충분히 맥이 이어지죠
To begin with, the high price of petrol will make people to use public transportation rather than using to take their own vehicles. Consequentially, Using public transportation will reduce the overall amount of cars on the roads. In other words, the level of air pollution and traffic congestion will be significantly reduced by less amount fewer amounts of those automobiles. According to recent research, using public transportation will occur lead to >> occur는 자동사입니다 positive effects on both problems. The research expects that up to 70 percent of both traffic jam and air pollution problems can be simply solved by encouraging people to take public transportation.
In addition, the increasing price of petrol will encourage car companies to develop economical cars, which are more compact >> more compact 와 economical 과는 무슨 연관이죠? and use cleaner energy sources. >> 설명이 없이 바로 예시가 나와버리네요For example, cars like such as using electricity or sunlight as fuel cause no pollution to do not contaminate the air. Those sources are permanently unlimited and easy to acquire from the nature. Also also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 these cars don’t >> 줄임말 쓰지 마세요 do not need to be big enough to carry gasoline engines>> ?? 이 말이 갑자기 왜 나오나요? 가솔린 엔진을 가지고 다니기 위해 커질 필요가 없다 이게 앞에 내용들과 무슨 상관이죠?. Most of car companies had develop prototypes of new cars for several years and they are ready to release innovative ones to the market. Once these cars become popular to people, those problems will be solved.
Both traffic jam and air pollution are one of the urgent problems solved as soon as possible. However, I firmly believe that the increasing price of petrol will play a major role in solving those problems by encouraging people to have alternative options like such as using public transportation or developing new cars.
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어휘에서 부족한 모습을 보이시네요 cars 나 compnies 등의 쉬운 단어들은 대체하기 쉽습니다
나머지 지적 사항들은 위에 적어드렸으니 참고해주세요 핵심적인 단어들을 계속 같은 단어를 쓰고 잘못 쓰거나 아카데믹한 아카데믹 단어가 아닌 일상체의 단어가 나온 점도 있습니다 줄임말을 쓰기도 했네요
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다