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To look back on history, destruction of the nature goes with development. Some people argue that this is the tragedy and we have to conserve the environment. I think we must remind the unchanging truth : “nature’s die cause human being’s die human beings die after the death of nature. >> 서론 작성이 좀 잘못된 듯 싶습니다 역사를 되돌아보면 등의 말이 아닌 우리의 삶의 기준이 상승하면서 발전에 의해 환경이 악화되고 있다 식으로 풀어나가는게 더욱 좋습니다 또한 그래서 주장이 뭔지 명확하게 밝히셔야 합니다
To begin with, >> 왜 그렇게 생각하는지 주장이 처음에 나와야 합니다 Earth’s natural state was harmonious and beautiful. Animals and plants coexisted peacefully. One day men came out in the earth and wanted to enjoy the high-level life. They consumed and manipulated everything. In the past, people cannot go to the opposite of the earth but today can go in a half of the day. In the past, people cannot get a information on the foreign countries but today we well know about the global event. From the ancient, human’s unstopping progression is keep going now. >> 첫 부분 읽는데 어떤 이야기 동화 같습니다 문장들이 너무 짧을 뿐만 아니라
People’s Life is highly developed and to pursuit the convenience is not a problem. However, many species are disappearing in every minute>> 무엇으로 인해 사라지는지까지 덧붙여주시면 주장 문장이 됩니다 ~~로 인해 많은 종들이 매 분마다 사라지고 있다 (주장). That’s >> That is 라고 풀어서 써주세요 the real tragedy>> 필요치 않습니다. The diverse of the species are measure of the sustainable living>>??. Other animals' die deaths means that human will also cannot live. We have to remember that human beings are one of the animals.>> 주장 설명 예시의 구조가 잘 갖춰지지 않았습니다
To conclude, we have to stop the thoughtless development. As I mentioned above, it is not real improvements but bring the critical damage to us.
각 문단 첫 줄의 시작은 띄어쓰기 해주세요 전체적으로 구조를 작성하는 데에는 이른 감이 있네요 우선 Task1을 써보시면서 Task2는 공부해보시는게 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.0 예상합니다
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