▶ Your Answer :
People have different views about whether we are more or less dependent on others one another or not nowadays. In my view, modern life forces us to be more independent than people were in the past.
>> 서론에는 both views 를 언급하라 했습니다 그러니 중립적인 의견을 지키면서 풀어나가는게 좋겠습니다 요즘 사람들이 과거에 비해 서로에게 의존적이다 아니다란 의견이 대립하고 있다 식으로 풀어가면 좋겠네요
There are two main reasons why it could be argued that we are more dependent on each other now. >> 서론에 어울리는 말입니다 Firstly, life is more >> becomes increasingly complex and difficult,>> 콤마 빼주세요 Especially, because the cost of living has increased so dramatically >> as prices are increasing, cost of living is also soaring . For example, young adults tend to rely on their parents for help when buying asking them to buy a house in marrying. It would be impossible for many people youths to pay a deposit and a mortgage. Secondly, people seem to be more ambitious nowadays, and they want a better quality of life for their families. This means that both parents usually need to work full-time, and they depend on support from grandparents and babysitters for child care. >> 본문 하나엔 하나의 의견만 말해주세요
However, On the other hand, I would agree with those who believe that people are more independent these days. In most countries, families are becoming smaller and more dispersed, which means that people cannot count on relatives as much as they used to. We >> 예시가 아니면 we 쓰지 말아주세요 객관적인 시각으로 작성해야 합니다 also have more freedom to travel and live far away from our home towns. For example, many students choose to study abroad instead of going to their local university,>> 콤마 빼주세요 and this experience makes them more independent as they learn to live alone. Another factor in this growing independence is technology, which allows us to work alone and from any part of the world. >> 하나의 주장만 넣어주시구요 좋지 설명 부분이 예시 부분 같습니다
In conclusion, while there are some reasons to believe that people now depend on each other more, my own view is that we are more independent than ever before.
both views를 다루라고 했는데 그냥 dependent 측면만 서술했습니다 task 에서 바라는 가장 큰 부분을 놓쳤습니다 논리 부분 전개가 아직 좀 미숙합니다 주장을 두개 넣은 것 자체가 좋지 않습니다 주장이 또 나온다면 다른 문단에 작성해야 하는게 맞고 두 개가 들어가면 두 번째 주장도 첫 번째 주장처럼 뒷받침 하는 문장들이 나와야 합니다 하지만 그렇게 되면 350 400자도 넘어갑니다 시간도 없구요 말씀 드린 부분들 잘 숙지해주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |