▶ Your Answer :
As society has developed, our lives have
been more convenient. According to this development, our desire<(desire for what?) has been
growing rapidly. Therefore, our desire has been growing rapidly. Therefore,
there is are an incremental demand for such goods (including cars, TVs and
fridges). Even though these goods have helped our lives to be more convenient, it has
some physiological and physical aspects that affects on people.<(affect how?) Therefore, I
believe that these negative aspects will affect the society more seriously than convenience more seriously on society than
convenient.
It is not deniable that as society develops,
there is an are increase of availability of more and more goods available for our
convenience. Thus, we can live in a comfortable lifestyle thanks to this. From For
cars, we can reduce our commuting time, and further, it could provide a capacity
to travel around the country within a short time. Therefore, as the cars were introduced,
entertaining in life has increased. TVs have provided us another entertainment.
Also, it could give the opportunity to bond with family or friends by sitting in
front of the TV together. Fridges have enabled our lifestyles to be healthier and have
improved our cooking culture. Since there is an increasing demand for such goods,
there will be a growth in the particular industry; there will be an economic
growth as a result. Therefore, those commercial goods, especially cars, TVs and
fridges have enabled our society and lifestyles have improved to be more
comfortable; there will be the growth in economy as a whole.
In contrast, those commercial goods (cars,
TVs and fridges) have also impacted society in a negative way. In particular, Especially it has
changed our society into materialism and industry focusing. In prior the generation,
people were was happier to be by be with others, to be with their families. The possession<(what possession?) was
not the priority for their happiness. As the society developed, this
physiological happiness has changed. People would be feeling happy by having
more goods in their hands. Thus, people define their happiness by a number of
goods in their possessions. If people would not able to have acquired the of goods
they want, they might suffer from psychological illness such as depression.
Furthermore, since there are increasing demand on goods which are produced by
selected industries, it would focus on the manufacturing industries to grow. In
other words, the other industries would lose opportunity to grow. The
manufacturing industries will be experiencing growth from this incremental
demand while other industries such as science, farming and fishery would suffer
from the loss. Therefore, it could lead to a huge concentration in one certain
industry to grow. Due to Manufacturing focused market and materialism would
impact our society in a negative way.<(how?)
In conclusion, despite all the convenience,
the materialism would change people psychologically and this development would
give the advantages to only a certain industry. Thus, I weigh more on these
negative aspects than that of positive aspects.
Score: 6 Comment: Clarity가 많이 떨어지며 내용이 많이 wordy/repetitive하게 들립니다. 또한 글자수가 400이 넘습니다. 내용을 조금 더 summarize하셔서 간략하게 쓰시는 것은 추천합니다. 일부 내용은 repetitive하거나 이미 전달하신 내용을 paraphrase하셔서 다시 써주신 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 쓰시는 표현이 조금 한전적으로 보입니다. Cohesion 표현에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |