▶ Your Answer :
Due to activities of humans, the earth can
become difficult to live in. Some people would claim that living in other
planets is the only way to solve this issue. However, I believe that even if
people live in other planets, it would have the same consequences. Therefore, the
government should fix the Earth's issue before going to other planets.
Currently, people cannot live on Earth,
because of the human activities. Due to The fossil gas emission release, the degradation
of land, and the civilisation infrastructures might be seen as the example of
human activities. However Therefore, these damages should be cured. <Need better coherence> The Earth should be
recovered fully so that people can live.
(Need better transition)
Residing in other planets would cause face the
same consequences, because all the same facilities and services are needed in
that planet. In order to reside in other planet, people would have to go
through the same processes as the one in Earth. Therefore, the newer
environment will not be able to be lived in.
(Need better transition)
A space research is needed. If the space
research is conducted to improve people's entertainment and knowledge, it
should be supported. However, searching for other planets to reside can be seen
as avoiding the issues. Escaping the problems would never be able to solve
anything. By residing in other planets, people will be face the same problems because
solving the Earth is just a matter of time. <(문단이 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 clear하지 않으며 unity가 떨어지는 문단입니다. 또한 글쓴이는 approach를 disagree를 하고 있기 때문에 space research가 필요하다는 contradicting하게 들립니다. 오히려 에세이 흐름을 지구에 있는 문제 부터 해결해야한다 해주시고 그 이유는 무작정 다른 planet에 살기 위핸 space research를 avoiding/neglecting the issues라고 해주시고 또한 다른 행성에서 살게 되어도 지구에서 처럼 똑같이 행동을 한다면 똑같은 consequence가 일어나기 때문에 지금 지구에서 있는 문제를 해결하고 올바른 습관을 먼저 가지는 먼저다 라고 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. )
In conclusion, moving to a new environment
is not the most effective way to solve the issue, because the new environment
will be damaged. The only way to solve this can be achieved by admitting all
the damages and finding the way to cure the Earth.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋으나 연결성이 떨어지고 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 흐름도 조금 어색하게 들립니다. Organization/transition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 네 번째 문단의 경우 본론이 무엇인지 clear하지 않으며 unity도 떨어집니다. Coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes/collocation/문장구조에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Cohesive device에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. |