▶ Your Answer :
Since globalisation, each nation is can be
able to get foreign films and TV programmes. By Broadcasting foreign films and
TV programmes could make people to adapt to other cultures easily. However, I
believe that it would be better to make own films and TV programmes because of
the potential career opportunities. Showing imported films and TV programmes
would provide an opportunity for the citizens to learn about various cultures,
customs, traditions and languages. It shows the environment and culture of that
country while the story line shows the tradition and languages of that country.
Watching foreign TV and films can provide diverse cultural knowledge and people
can easily understand the different cultures. <(Elaborate를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 다른 나라에 대해서 배우는게 왜 좋은지 또는 어떤 영향이 있는지 서술을 해주실 수 있습니다. ) However, making films and TV programmes
within the nation would be more beneficial. If the movies or dramas get a huge
jackpot, people involved in those films or dramas can get new projects in other
countries because they got spotlighted. In the case of Korean Drama, titled
"Descendant of Sun," it got famous the fame in China and the remake of the film
from China could create the employment opportunities. <(Employment opportunities는 local country가 아니라 그 영화/드라마가 흥행을 한 다른 나라에서 생기는 것처럼 들리기 때문에 persuasive하거나 topic sentence를 support하는 것 처럼 들리지 않습니다. Clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) (Need better transition) With the aids of the internet, any nation's
movies and TV programms can be watched and get fame. The fame would give any
nation's people a career opportunity.<(how? be more specific/clear) Therefore, own films and TV programs can
create employment opportunities and would influence other cultures through
internet. In conclusion, foreign films and TV
programs can expand country's knowledge about other cultures. However, own
cultures are as important as other country's.<(이 내용을 서술해주신 것 같지는 않습니다. 이 내용도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) By Countries making their own films and dramas can
influence other countries and this would create more employment opportunities.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트에 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 두 번째 문단에는 elaboration이 조금 더 필요 합니다. 세 번재 문단의 경우는 persuasiveness/clarity가 조금 떨어집니다. 네 번째 문단의 내용은 세 번째 문단과 함께 오면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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