▶ Your Answer :
It is true that people in the earlier age brackets
have been shown a symptom of nicotine addiction, and it is believed that this
situation is blamed on uncut TV advertisement of cigarettes. <Need better coherence> In my view,
cigarette advertising is still needed.
There are some reasons why the
advertisements must be left on TV. For one, making advertisements in discouraging/extreme
ways can plant the fact that smoking from an form earlier age has a detrimental effect
on young people’s health. Smoking is one of the biggest causes which can bring
lung cancer or other sorts of cancer, furthermore, this has a critical influence on
the function of sperms. Also, it raises arises sterility infertility awareness even to non-smoking women.
Even if they just inhale the smoke, it affects them seriously in terms of that.
However, we can discuss how we can discourage young people from smoking.
Instead of banning advertisements, we could
insert real cases into them, thereby making people/the public/children them realize enlighten why they should not
smoke in the first place or quit. Besides, imposing higher taxes on cigarettes
is also able to cut down on the rate of smoking. Korea, for example, has raised
50% of the cigarette tax, and there has been more than 20% drop in the proportion
of smokers. In addition, the regulation that many governments have restricted
people from smoking on the street has also catalysed reducing smoking. So other
ways have already had obvious results in shrinking the level of smoking. <(첫번째 문장은 광고에 대한 이야기인데 그 나머지는 tax에 대한 이야기 이기 때문에 unity가 떨어져 보입니다. topic sentence를 광고를 안없에도 담배를 discourage하는 방법이 있다 라고 전달을 해주시고. 그 중 하나는 광고를 real life case로 discourage를 하고 또 하나는 세금으로도 충분히 담배를 피는 population을 줄일 수 있다 라고 해주시면 될 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, I believe TV advertising
must not be removed and we can come up with more effective alternatives without
prohibiting advertisements on TV.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 글쓴이가 의미하시는 광고는 discouraging cigarettes/smoking and awareness of smoking associated health problems이기 때문에 anti-smoking ad 라고 clarify해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그저 advertise cigarettes/advertisements 라고 해주시면 일반적인 담배 광고 처럼 들리기 때문에 이 광고가 어떻게 나쁘게 영향을 끼치는걸 알려주는지 question하게 합니다. 그 외에는 collocation/표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |