Doctors in many countries say that people do not do enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this trend? How can the situation be improved?
In recent years, many medical experts
assert that a number of people do not spend enough time on physical exercise. I
will discuss the reasons for this phenomenon and also suggest the solutions.
Nowadays, many people tend to do less
exercise because they are too busy working and studying and have not recognized
the positive impacts working out can have (기존 표현도 틀린 건 아니지만 msg 조금 쳐드렸습니다.) of it. Since 2008 financial crisis, firstly, mutilple
corporations have reduced the number of quality jobs in order to save as much
budget as possible. Accordingly, while employees have tried to prove their high
levels of working performance not to retire ealrier than they had planned,
young adults have desperately attempted to improve their abilities to find the
stable employment. Thus, the new labor environment has made numerous people
focus on their tasks rather than doing exercise. In addition to this, they
might not be aware of how physical exercise would have positive effects on
their lives. Thus, they may consider it as useless during for their busy life cycle.
In response to this problem, the government
should play an important role in constructing more gyms and conducting public
health campaigns. The more sports facilities the government builds, the easier
people can visit there. If there are a number of gyms near their homes and companies,
people would be able to save time to go to the places so that they can concentrate on
their tasks even while doing exercise. Besides, public campaigns which spreads
information regarding various positive influences of physical exercise on
working performance would encourage people to spend more time on it.
In conclusion, I believe that people do not
pay attention to physical exercise because they have no time to do it and
enough knowledge concerning the merits of it. However 등I think that the government can
deal with the issue by making more gyms and conducting public campaigns.
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
task 2에서는 문법/어휘가 대체로 깔끔한 편인데, 이에 비해 이번 글의 내용은 조금 아쉬웠습니다. 기본적으로 원인-해결 유형에서는 원인과 해결책이 100% 직접적인 대응이 될 수 있어야 해요. 그러나 현재 원인과 해결책은 간접적인, 부분적인 대응만 될 뿐입니다. (물론 의식 관련 사항은 직접적이고 완전한 대응이 되는 상태입니다.)
해결책을 원인에 맞추고자 할 경우 '직업 증진, 노동 시간의 감소' 등의 사항을 들어주시면 되겠고, 그 반대의 경우 '주변에 시설이 없거나 사람들의 의식이 부족하기 때문에' 를 넣어주시면 됩니다. 이걸 고려해서 본론 둘 중 하나는 수정해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)