People spend a lot of money on various things as they earn more money nowadays than before. Is it a positive or negative development?
It is commonly seen that the number of
expenditure increasing compared to (참고로, 현 문장 내에 '수입의 증가에 따른' 이라는 표현이 들어가야 합니다.) by contrast the past. Some people argue that this trend create
to overall consumer and materialism society so that individuals should save up
their income. (여기는 너무 나갔습니다. 그냥 '~~한 사회를 만들었기 때문에 이 현상은 부정적이다' 선에서 끝내주시면 돼요.) I strongly disagree with this opinion as I think that people should purchase
something to enjoy a better quality of life.
First and foremost, spending is an effective method to meet people’s demand. Of course, a few employees work towards their goals and dreams, but these days, a good number of workers are seen to just go to workplace in order to receive their salary. Consequently, in this process, they always live under the pressure and are/become exhausted so that they desire something in order to change their life vibrantly and positively. In this respect, an appropriate and healthy expenditure life might could alleviate banal (이런 단어 쓰는 게 나쁜 건 아닌데, 현 단계에서는 문법 쪽을 끌어올리는 게 더 중요합니다. 현재 어휘-문법 간 격차가 제법 나는 편이라...) daily life.
Secondly, economy of local society and country
can be active from people’s expend. If individuals do not longer more spend, it
causes increase the rate of unemployment (unemployed 자체를 하나의 명사로 놓고 판단하는 것도 가능은 합니다. 단, 바꿔드린 쪽이 더 자연스러워서 수정해드렸고요.) unemployed. This is because, the shops, restaurants’
income drop the hit (여기는 댓글 주세요!) and then the people who run a store can not give wages to
employees who spend their salary. With this continuous trend, local economy
would not be stable and variable. Furthermore, overall tendency of a country also
experiences a considerable slump due to the lack of currency and the standard
of price would recorded a more and more high rate.
In conclusion, expenditure has a positive impact that would be lively and active on individuals, local societies and countries.
총평: (6/6/7/5) 6.0
문법-어휘 쪽 격차가 조금 나니까 전자 쪽에 포커스를 더 맞춰서 연습해주시고, 특히 이번 글 외에 다른 글에서도 동사가 빠지는 경우가 많이 보입니다. 이에 유의해서 수정해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
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