▶ Your Answer : All the people live similarly eating food, dwelling in a house, but the criterion of happiness is defferent to every person. Modern people have been grown as a social animal, and they contiually want material affluence.
Most workers try to have satisfaction of the life abundance from their work. In my opinion, the cause of the trends comes from education systems. Individuals in modern society are taught to be a person who is needed anywhere. Such a thinking is kept, until they become adults. From a child, people live in a competitive nation. They struggle to surpass others, and not only they want to go to a good university, but they also try to work for a good company. As a result, after grown up to adults, they do not know how to enjoy valualbe lives, and so they tend to find it from their work spaces. They will steadily compare with other people and be compared to their fellows, whose sallary is higher or whose >> 중복되는 내용 삭제해드렸습니다 house is the most excessively pricey.
This is, there is no ending, and a history shows the example of the phenomena >> 복수형은 phenomena 입니다. There were numerous fight for power in the world, where is in a country or a small village. Therefore, adults have to try to find other things which they can achive in any other ways. They should not take care of others, when they think about of their gratifications. They ought to immerse their present work, and be recognized in their fields. The achievement will follow them, and then, will follow them, after all, they will have both the fames and wealth naturally. It will be all the satisfactions of their occupations.
In conclusion, there are many ways to find out individuals'>> 소유격으로 만들기 위해 어퍼스트로피 붙였습니다 gratifications on their lives, but especially in jobs, people need to have composure. Happiness based on people's lives is not just success in satisfied work. The contentment might be from the process of something they do. Thus, abandoning excessive greeds can be another method of looking for the satisfaction from others.
어려운 글인데 잘 쓰셨습니다 다만 후반부로 갈수록 살짝 주제에 흔들린 감이 없지 않아 있지만
이 주제로 글을 40분 내로 작성한다면 굉장히 잘하셨다고 판단됩니다
근거들도 이해가 되기 쉽게 작성된 듯 싶구요
문법에서의 오류가 많이 없다는 점도 좋습니다 콤마를 이용해서 잘 전개해주시기도 하셨구요
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 7
6.5~7.0 예상하지만 7.0에 더 가깝다고 생각됩니다
잘하셨어요 ! |