▶ Your Answer :
More and more The environments which can affect students are increasingly >> more and more보다 아카데믹하게 좋은 표현이고 이 부분에 쓰는 것이 적절하다 싶어 바꿔드렸습니다 changed with developments of technology. Although the advent of computer and the Internet gave people numerous advantages, it led to make many people, including students, to game addiction. When people play computer games, they do it alone in an isolated place, so, students are becoming selfish and tend to be reluctant to go out. Based on these reasons, I agree with that schools should encourage students to participate community service programmes.
Some people think that those kinds of programmes can interrupt students who study hard for a college entrance examination. Besides, compulsion is not a good way to attract students to voluntary participation from students. It can also affect students' characters because their characters are not mature enough.
However, it is not high-pressure compulsion, and it is just chances to give pupils to involve their community as a social member. While students meet a variety of people during the activities, they might learn and experience about cooperation which could help their character building. Furthermore, they may consider how they can be good society members. For instance, in my country, South Korea, all high schools recommend their students to do voluntary service and also reflect it in a college entrance.
To sum up, in my view, unpaid community services recommended by high schools have some good influences on student's personality. Through these programmes, they will obtain abilities which can build and manage themselves and how they live together with other people. After being adults, they may be necessary members who can create positive social environments.
매번 감사드립니다~~^^
학교에서 강제적인 지역 단체를 위한 봉사 문제에서 서론부터 게임 중독 얘기가 나오는건 본문에서 예로 적절하다 싶구 초점도 그 쪽으로 맞춰진 듯 해서 테스크에서 약간 감점이 있었습니다 문법, 단어, 테스크 중 하나만 조금 보완하시면 6.5도 금방 받으실 걸로 예상합니다 !
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |