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Nowadays, it is expected to have a new programme for students to participate in a unpaid free community service as a compulsory part or, some high schools are already operating the programme. Some people assert that the unpaid community service by high school students needs difinitely to be done. On the contrary, I strongly disagree with it. There are several reasons why I don't agree with it the argument.
First of all, doing compulsorily unpaid community service compulsorily might cause negative effects on students>>어떤 부정적인 영향 예를 들면 학업적인 면 혹은 정신적인 면 등 주장에서 미리 언급이 어느정도 필요합니다. Generally, voluntary work should be done from the heart by people who really have a sincere intention >> 이건 학생들에게 미치는 영향이 아닙니다 진실된 의도가 아니라면 서비스를 받는 사람들에게 악영향이 가겠죠. However, the compulsory community service from school can give a resistance feeling to students about it make students rebellious. For example, if teacher forces students to go and participate in join some communnity services, students may regard it as a homework or an assessment.>> 이 내용 상으론 주장 부분에 정신적인 측면에서 악 영향을 준다, 설명에선 하기 싫은 것을 하게 해서 반항적이게 만든다, 선생님들이 강요하면 아이들은 숙제라고 생각해서 싫어한다 의 얘기를 써주면 본론입니다
Furthermore, obligatory community service can transmute the main purpose of volunteer work. As written above, the essence of volunteer work is unprompted. However, it can be changed to get >> get 동사는 피해주세요 gain benefits for students. For instance, in my country, Korea, most of high school already applied the unpaid community service. Students can get earn additional marks as many as time they performed service. As a result, students find community service works to get receive a high marks or good impression from teachers. Moreover, sometimes it is happened to make up a fake evidence papers by themself in order to hand in to teacher. In other words, these behaviors show that some students completely ignore the nature meaning for community service.
In conclusion, there is an evidence to suggest that many students are be still performing community service,>>문장 맨 뒤에 not ~~ 이 나오면 앞에 콤마를 넣어주세요 not just for their benefits but for their heart rewarding volunteering. But >> 문두에 but also so and or 는 넣지 않습니다 overall, it is clear that unpaid community service as a compulsory part could be carried out in a negative purpose in many cases. Therefore, >> 문두에 부사가 나오면 뒤에 콤마 넣어주세요 I think schools should not compel students to do it and teachers need to lead students to volunteer the community service by themselves.
unpaid community service의 반복만 없었어도
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필요 없는 부분은 빼드렸구요
보카 좀 잡고 논리도 좀 잡으시면 6점대도 충분히 가능하다고 생각합니다
다만 글을 좀 줄여주세요 지워드린 부분들 없애시면 글자수가 많이 줄고 시간도 좀 여유가 생길겁니다
단어는 좋았지만 반복, 스펠링 오류 등이 많습니다 특히 스펠링 오류만 아니었어도 좋았을텐데요 아쉽습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 |