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In modern society, many young people in the countryside have moved to big cites, causing aging societies in rural areas. Regarding this issue, the majority of population believes that this trend should be stopped before numerous side effects would occur in both areas. Therefore, it is important that people should be aware of what problems this situation causes, and what possible actions can be considered to alleviate the intricate occurrences. From my perspective, the following issues should be taken into consideration.
To begin with, the first problem that can be observed is that agricultural market can become unstable. To elaborate, as young people move out of urban areas, the shortage of labor in agricultural areas would increase. This phenomenon results in lower production of crops and the relatively higher demand of agricultural products. Finally, this can finally result in bringing destabilizing the market and people would have problems in purchasing agricultural products.>> 예시 등이 필요합니다
Furthermore, an additional hot potato that should not be ignored is that a serious unemployment problem would be seriously considered. With rational thinking, while available jobs in cites are limited, the number of job seekers would be significantly higher due to the continuous influx of people from rural areas. In addition, there are possibilities that the crime rate would increase as the unemployment rate goes up. >> 주장에 사회가 불안정해질 수도 있다를 하고 설명에 실업에 의한 범죄를 언급해주세요 사회의 불안정에는 일의 제한보단 범죄가 더 어울릴 듯 싶네요
Looking at the aforementioned arguments, two possible solutions can be considered. Firstly, the government should support agriculture by encouraging young people to work in that field. To illustrate, if the government owns bussinesses in rural areas and hire young people, providing good working conditions with incentives, young populations would not necessarily move to urban areas to find occupations.
Secondly, there should be regulations that exist for companies to set their branches in rural areas. In doing so, young people in those areas don't have to move out to cities, providing a stablised population distribution in both areas. >> 이 부분 다 날리고 위에 두 본문에 예시를 더해주세요 문단이 6개는 절대 안 됩니다
To conclude, this disconcerting matter can be blamed on numerous aspects. However, >> However는 문장을 이어주는 접속사 기능이 없습니다 I am sure that only if the government. the populace and the industries work hand in hand, this issue would possibly be solved.>> 접속사가 없네요 두 문장을 이어주는 도구가 없습니다
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문단은 4개가 적절합니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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