A lot of new private schools have been built and opened these days. Many students and their parents pay highly attention to them. Even some of them are too popular for many students to take classes in the private schools due to the limited capacity. These private institutes are famous for high teaching skills and secret know-how to deal well with the test well. >> 오프토픽입니다
To begin with, most renowned educational experts, however, showed serious concerns associated with these private schools. They Private schools sometimes encourage lots >> lots는 구어입니다 a lot of students only to compete with their classmates and friends owing to regarding them as not their friends but as their rival survive in the competitive group >> 주장은 이렇게 쓰여야겠죠. Another problem is related with the falling statue of public schools since the students are more focused on the class occurred in the private school than that in public. >> 주장에 대한 설명 예시 등도 없어서 설득력이 없는데 다른 주장이 또 나온다면 안 좋습니다
Some agreeing position supports the benefits of the private schools. They argue that On the other hand, teaching in the private schools is more efficient than that in the public. At the public institutes, teachers should take care of a lot of students and be focused on the average of their all students, not focused concentrate on some of special ones while >> 무슨 말로 쓰인건가요? 말이 이해가 안 되네요 it is possible that high scored students are concentrated and encouraged>>한 문장이 세 줄이나 됩니다 줄여주세요. The private schools have better conditions. This advantage provides the students a lot of facilities such as breaking space and cafeteria so that the student feel more convenient and concentrate on their studying >> 또 다른 주장이 나왔으며 게다가 better conditions가 있다 이것들은 ~~를 제공한다 하면 제 입장에선 그 더 나은 조건이나 환경이 뭔지 모릅니다 저한테 말하는 글이 아닌 일기 형식이란 것이죠.
I would like to being focused on the detrimental impacts of the private schools on the whole education system. Most students who take the classes in the private schools might fail to discover the importance of making real friends in their youth seasons. By sharing the joys of life with their friends, they can become real friends>> 논리도 안 맞습니다 사립 학교는 진짜 친구를 만드는 것에 대한 중요성을 발견하지 못할 것이다 재미를 공유하면서 그들은 진짜 친구가 될 것이다 .. 무슨 말인가요. In addition, the chance to take an advantage of the education should be fair and equal to every person. If students enroll private schools and think them as higher than the public ones, other students who do not take the classes in the private institute are not likely to be well-balanced person>> 본인 경험이나 의견을 이렇게 제시하는게 아니라 본문에 주장에 대한 예시 부분에서 쓰는 것입니다.
In conclusion, I strongly argued that the private schools need to be prohibited. By doing so, many students can take advantages in the public school when they are equally taught. The education must be fair and give the same chance to every student.
380자입니다 시험실에 가서 1시간 동안 Task1 이랑 Task2 다 쓰실 수 있으실까요? 손으로 작성하는데 380자 작성하는데 수정해야 할 곳도 있는데 380자면 Task 1, Task2 다 쓴 분량과 대략적으로 맞먹습니다
첫 문단 들여쓰기 안 해서 문법에서 감점드립니다 논리가 전혀 맞지 않고 설득력이 없습니다
주장에 대한 설명도 예시도 없어 무슨 말인지도 제대로 파악이 어렵습니다
Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 4
Lexical Resource - 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
4.5 예상합니다