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It has been a controversial issue that which way between competition and coordination is the most beneficial for children to become a decent member of society. Nowadays, as a competitve aspect becomes tough, some people insist that it is much more important for young students to be learnt learn how to co-operate with each other rather than fierce competition how to compete. while Meanwhile, >> 너무 길어서 끊어드렸습니다 others advocate that competition is essential for their growth>> 무슨 성장인지 대략적인 그림을 설명해줘야 합니다 정신적 성장인지 육체적 성장인지 등이요 간단하게 언급한 후 본론에서 그를 주장으로 뒷받침하면 됩니다. In this context essay, I would like to assert that argue the latter point of view is more appealing argument cooperation is more needed.
To begin with, there is no doubt on the statement that we are currently living in the world where there are large number of individuals to be interacted with and it is nearly impossible for us to conduct any tasks without coordination with others. >> 설명이 나와야 할 자리에 therefore, 을 넣어서 정리를 해버렸네요 therefore 는 문장 끝에서 정리할 때 쓰는 부사입니다 Therefore, it has its significance for people of discipline to make the children to be acknowledged the way how to derive mutual cooperation for a single object >> 무슨 말인가요?. With this in mind, it could be stated that there should be more weight teaching children to coordinate with one another outweighs on the teaching to make the children coordinate efficiently leading them to harsh competition.
However, the importance of competition should not be neglected by people. With respect to the fact, that competition is inevitable for young pupils when they firstly step into entre the real world where there is no such a protection from the educational institutions.>> 세 줄 정도의 길이라면 주장 + 설명까지 모두 나올 수 있는 길이입니다 For example, although it could be harsh to put those young students into the competitive jungle in their early age, there should be a certain level of practice for them to be well-adapted in the real world. In addition, there are several alternatives for children to cultivate their abilities both in cooperative skills and competitive attitude like team contest in which they compete for first prize with other teams. >> 추가는 필요 없습니다 주장 하나만 넣어주세요
To sum up, it is obvious that capabilities of young students to cooperate with others for the achievement of single goal are essential. Nevertheless, there should be more emphasis on teaching to make them to be well-practiced for fierce competition in the real world in a sense that competition is inevitable and it could knock them down when they are not well prepared.>>문장이 너무 깁니다 잘라주세요
340자네요 70자 가량 줄여주세요 쓰지 않아도 될 말들이 좀 보이네요 it is ~~ 식의 글은 주장에 대한 설명 부분에서 쓰시면 좋습니다 혹은 서론에서요 본론 구성은 주장 + 설명 + 예시의 형태가 가장 좋습니다 자칫 문법 실수가 좀 더 있었으면 5.5로도 내려갈 수 있으니 문법이랑 단어 꽉 잡아주세요 단어에서도 추가 감점이 있을 수도 있으니 students 대신 표현할 말들은 많으니 다른 말들도 써주시구요 어휘량 늘리고 문법 잡고 논리 구성하는 것 다시 생각해봐주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |