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Nowadays, people are difficult to live in the world without a computers because everything has been connected with computers them. As a result, computer's negative effects have caused critical problems.>> 컴퓨터와 모든게 연결되어 있어서 없는 세상에선 살기 어렵다. 그 결과로서, 컴퓨터의 부정적인 영향은 많은 심각한 문제들을 일으켜왔다 ? 갑자기 내용이 확 건너뛰는 듯 싶네요 I consider lots >> lots는 구어체입니다 a lot of problems about it are arrived in the recent past.>> For the reason of the issues in this computerized era, I disagree with the bad sides overweigh the good ones.
In my case, I was born and raised in computer's era with computers, when I was young, the computer and they have been diffused in Korea. Furthermore, the Internet was usual when I went to primary school. Moreover>> moreover 는 주로 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 보시면 다른 얘기가 나오는게 보이실텐데요 이게 주장의 시작을 알립니다, when I went to second school, computer's price was getting>> get 동사는 지양해주세요 lower and cyber crimes started to be happened happen . Finally, harmful effects such as cyber crimes and computer addiction were common when I graduated from school. Likewise, computer's propagation prevalence and effects have been fast and serious. >> 예시가 본문 하나를 차지해버렸네요 보시면 세개의 큰 주장이 있네요 근데 다 부족합니다 보급된게 갑자기 왜 나왔는지, 컴퓨터의 가격이 낮아지고 사이버 범죄가 늘었다, 컴퓨터 중독과 사이버 범죄(중복) 이 일반적이게 됐다 이와 같이 보급과 영향은 빠르고 심각해졌다. 이걸 읽고나서 드는 생각은 그래서? 왜? 입니다 갑자기 나오는 말들입니다 문장들이 서로 따로 놀고 전체적인 글에서도 따로 놉니다
Whereupon, the gap is getting larger between people who have computer and people who do not have, moreover>> 두개가 틀렸습니다 첫째는 moreover 다음은 콤마가 나옵니다 둘쨰는 moreover는 두 문장을 이어줄 수 있는 접속사의 기능이 없고 그저 부사입니다 between people who know how to handle it well and the opposite ones. Consequently, some people tend to commit crimes by using their computer skills. For example, they set up fake illegal web pages such as fake online banking site and online prostitution. They also operate and illegal webpages one such as online prostitution. It is also a serious, crackdown on it is difficult because its substance is unclearer>>?? crackdown 은 구어체입니다 control 이라고 단속을 표현해주세요.
In addition, the computer addiction is also serious, especially for children. The propagation of the Internet >> Internet 할 때 i 는 대문자입니다 makes them to be addicted to computers. A number of children often used meaninglessly them to meaninglessly kill time in front of computer. These days, computer addiction seems like less common, but actually,>> 콤마 빼주세요 it is merely changed from computer to smart phone >> 갑자기 왜 스마트폰이 나오나요?. Purpose and usage are never changed at all. Namely, It is just a change of equipment. Computer addiction is still a serious problem.
Task2를 쓰기엔 아직 쓰는 구조도 논리 구성도 덜 되는 듯 싶습니다 Task1 짧은 글을 먼저 쓰시길 바랍니다 문법 공부도 하시면서 우선 한글로 쓰고 영어로 옮겨적어 보세요 논리 구성과 문장 서론본론결론의 구조가 정말 취약합니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 3 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
4.0 예상합니다 |