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Since the Industrial Revolution, there has continuously been a lot of damage to the environment. By improving human comforts and conveniences, we have caused our habitat to suffer harm to nature. However, I believe that we are able to live in enjoy better living standards without spoilling the environment.>> So to what extent do you agree or disagree?
To begin with, In it is sadly true that some regulations the government has introduced are only for financial benefits of both big and small local cities without concerning about environmental pollution >> the government has introduced some regulations only gaining financial benefits 정도가 더 간단하게 압축 되겠구요 . Because of it owing to the worry, some factories has become greedy in order to generate far more profit, carring less about the protection for the environment. For example, some plants tend to discard factory industrial wastes without filterizing filtering and treating purifying because they can cut down much money by conducting a waste disposal plant disposing illegally the wastes. Considering it, the environment might be enormously damaged, although the prosperity of the economy is obtained in this society.>> 경제의 호황은 이 사회 안에 속해있음에도 불구하고 환경은 크게 피해를 받는다 ?? 이 본론의 내용을 보자면 정부는 재정적 이익을 위해서만 규제들을 제시해왔다. 그 근심 때문에 공장들은 좀 더 많은 수익을 내기 위해 욕심적이게 변해왔다 정도인데 financial benefit이 관점에 따라 좋을 수도 나쁠 수도 있는데 그 부분을 표시하지 않아 글을 읽는 입장에선 갑자기 재정적 이익을 위한 규제들이 공장들을 욕심적이게 만들었다는 이상한 연결이 됐습니다
However, there is a way to live better life without any harmful factors to our surroundings. Due to the fact that we cannot live without natural resources, the government should encourage companies and individuals to raise the awareness about how important the environmental preservation is. >> It makes ourselves to live better life without any harmful factors. For example, not only does the government implement potential campaigns to use renewable and eco-friendly materials, but also schools have lessons to teach it to educate students. As to it, people know that the conservation of the planet clean is their duty,>> thus 는 부사입니다 문장을 이어주는 기능이 없고 thus는 문장을 끝맺을 때 마지막 마무리 특히 결론 부분에서 많이 쓰는 부사입니다 thus the rate of using disposable things will be gradually reduced, >> 콤마 빼주세요 and the number of people who use recyclable materials such as eco-bags instead of plastic bags will also increase. Additionally, our living habits will be also changed to better ways. For example, if people can go somewhere near their house, they will take options, walking or taking public transportation instead of using their own cars. These can make the environment cleaner, and we can enjoy our better lives with clean and restored surroundings.
In a short, although the drawbacks of pursuing better qualities of living standard are not immediately eliminated, we can gradually reduce gradually it, >> and then 앞에선 콤마 넣어주세요 and then in the future, it might be completely solved with using eco-friendly and the increasing our awareness about protection for the environment protection.
각 문단 첫 문장은 한 칸 들여쓰고 써주세요 고쳐드렸습니다 To what extent 의 문제에선 둘 중 어느 하나의 주장을 정하고 그거에 대한 것을 언급하는게 좋습니다 주장 2개를요 근데 본문 2에선 현재 본인의 의견 뿐 아니라 해결책까지 제시됐습니다 테스크에서 원하는 방향은 아니었습니다 또한 글이 너무 깁니다
본문 2에만 몇개의 주장이 있는지 모르겠네요 예시도 두개나 들어있구요 밑줄 친 부분 다 날려야 합니다 분량 맞추려면 또한 저 밑줄 친 부분이 주장 설명 예시의 형태가 다 들어있는 하나의 본문이라 너무 길구요 비슷한 단어도 많았지만 스펠링 오류가 많았습니다 주의해주세요
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |