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People have different views about whether or not a formal university education is necessary to succeed in their future want to have university education to thrive for the rest of their lives. I completely disagree with the idea that people should graduate from formal university that entering university leads them to be successful ones.
To begin with, There are some reasons why it could be argued that we are more dependent on having a formal university graduation to succeed. >> 적절한 주장이 아닌 듯 싶습니다 꼭 대학에 가야만 하는 것에 반대하는 이유가 있어야 합니다 It is a judgement of society >> 문장이 짧습니다.This means that a society have biased outlook about a person, who graduates from a university, >> 이미 앞에 완전한 문장이 다 나왔는데 또 is 가 나오면 틀린 문장이 됩니다 is always knowlegeable and smart. For example, when applicants present their resumes to a compamy, the company employer almost decides whom to employ based on who graduates from a prestigious university. This gives us an idea that a number of people consider that learning in the university is essential to succeed in our society.
However, in my opinion, success comes from personal concerns, depending on what they want to do. This means that when people experience a lot of things, which they are interested in,>> 콤마 대신 마침표 찍어주세요 . They know not only how to deal with problems, >> 콤마 넣어주세요 but also how to judge right things among a lot plenty >> 이미 앞에 썼으니 다른 표현 써주세요 of problems. To illustrate, we know that Thomas Alva Edison, who is a gamous historical inventor, did not finish studying in a school dropped out of school, while he experienced a lot of failures to invent one new item. Thus, a lot of experiences pave the made a way to succeed.>> a lot of 란 표현이 꽤 많이 쓰였네요
In conclusion, although there are some reasons to believe that poople are depending on getting receiving educational attainment to success, my own view is that other careers >> what are the other careers? 이런 질문이 나오겠습니다 또한 여기선 학문적인 배움보단 실전 경험이 중요하다 그런 식이 낫겠네요 are more necessary to succeed.
문단의 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주시길 바랍니다 현재 both views 를 언급하란 말이 없습니다 그런데 두 주장을 모두 제시했네요 completely disagree라고 하셨는데요 여기서 본인의 논리나 글의 통일성이 한 번 꺾이는거구요 테스크의 요구 조건에도 부합하지 못한 것입니다 어느 쪽이 더 맞냐 - 난 완전히 동의하지 않는다 - 얜 이게 좋다 - 근데 이게 나쁘다 - 그래서 나쁘다 이건 좋지 못한 논리죠
계속 반복되는 단어도 피해주시구요 본문 구성은 좋았습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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