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No one would deny the impact of computers on mankind, making life convenient and fast. However, people are divided on the issue whether using too much computers by teenagers makes some troubles. This essay will discuss about both sides of spending on computers and my opinion will be followed with appropriate explanation to support it.
To begin with, it is generally believed that computer technology has positive effects on living as it makes people easy. Comparing to the past, the teen-age boys and girls teens can acquire many informations >> 불가산이라 오직 단수만 씁니다 and data from the modern processor. For example, the young can gain so much useful solutions of their school assignments, answers of questions, which they wondered, and problems that they usually want to solve possessed .
However, this may be true to some extent, strong criticism from using a computer is often asserted >> 주장은 확실히 단호하게 말해야하는데 컴퓨터를 사용하는 것으로부터 강한 비판들이 주장된다 는 어울리지 않습니다 단호하게 컴퓨터 사용에는 어떤 문제점이 있다 하고 딱 문제점을 짚어주는게 좋습니다. Young users cannot control themselves to spend time regularly;>> 세미콜론은 접속사같은 역할을 합니다 뒤에는 완전한 문장이 나와야 합니다 even to adults in concerned about computers. The excessive time spent in front of computer often damages to their lots of opportunites plenty of opportunities >> lots of 는 구어체입니다 a lot of 가 맞으며 쓰긴 plenty of 를 써드렸습니다 such as relationships in school area and learning about other people, which helps teens' experience in a complicated society.
Furthermore, as a negative consequence, more and more people of teenage teenagers become increasingly >> more and more보다 더 좋은 표현입니다 having bad sight on their eyes by watching computer screens for a long time. According to a research conducted in England, myalgia(muscle pain) and headache rate among the young population was highly related to the amount of time spending on computer and keeping sitting ahead of computer screen. >> 주장은 두개면 충분합니다 위에 본론 보시면 서론하고 본론의 분량이 똑같습니다 본론이 1.5~2배는 길어야 합니다 서론이 길기도 했구요 어떤 연구 결과에서 나왔단 예시는 좋지 않습니다
In conclusion, despite some advantages, teenagers should be less exposed to computers under supervision and parents are compelled to should compel them to encourage their children to maintain more variety healthy lifestyles. >> 어떤 해결책 등을 제시하기 보다는 글 전체를 수용하는 얘기 예를 들면 컴퓨터는 아이들의 건강과 생활에 밀접한 나쁜 영향들을 끼친다 이런 이유로 사용을 줄여나가야 한다 식으로 맺어주는게 좋겠습니다
우선 다른 부분들에서 오류가 많이 났습니다 같은 주제로 이렇게 연습하시는건 굉장히 좋습니다 다른 글로 써봤자 계속 같은 실수가 되풀이 되기 때문이고 저도 좀 더 advanced 한 조언도 해드릴 수 있구요 본론의 길이가 다소 짧단 점이 단점이 될 수 있겠습니다 위에 상세한 내용들은 써드렸으니 참고하시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |