▶ Your Answer : As the interest in healthy lifestyle has increased, the priority of spending public money became a controversial issue. Some people argue that spending money for treating treatment of the illness must be the first. The others assure that spending money to prevent illness should be first the preferred. I agree with the latter opinion and I will demonstrate the reasons in this essay. (Need better transition) Of coursely, most of the patients go to the hospital to cure their disease and the major role of doctors is treating surviving the patient.<(coherence가 안되는 내용입니다. 이 내용이 갑자기 왜 나오는지 모르겠습니다) So, up to now, the government policy and public money for medical treatment have been focused on taking care of the illness.<(Need to be a complete paragraph) However, spending official money to prevent illness is not premature<(문맥상 알맞는 표현이 아닌 것 같습니다) anymore. As the development of medical treatment technique <(as it what? increases? gotten better?) , life expectancy of human beings have increased more and more. In addition, the number of the patients of at the similar aged have decreased compared to the past a few decades. It means that it could be take less weight to spend public money for the sick. Secondly, as many people are have concerned their health, the majority lots of them plan and care about their life style by themselves. To do that, people require public financial support the aspect of preventing illness <(단어 하나가 missing 합니다. 말이 안되는 phrase 입니다) as well as they ask to open the health programs in free of charge. Lastly, the government support would contribute to constructing a more healthy nation in the long term. The effect of public financial support would not be revealed immediately, our descendants might be the beneficiary. In this line, it is obvious that we can play a big role to make next generation's life more healthy. In conclusion, a lot of people already have concentrated on making healthy lifestyles and preventing illness. If the government financial support supplemented, the synergy effect would take place. <(not a conclusion to your opinion)
Score: 4 Comment: 에세이가 persuasive하게 들리지 않으며 질문을 잘 대답해주고 있지 않습니다. 조금 더 왜 promoting healthy lifestyles에 신경을 더 써야하는지 reasoning/support를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 문단을 4~6문장으로 서술해주셔야합니다. 문단이 너무 짧으면 내용이 incomplete/insufficient해 보입니다. 글 정리가 많이 필요하고 문장 수정이 필요한 부분이 있습니다. 문법에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |