▶ Your Answer :
Recently, the price of petrol in Korea has
increasingly risen due to several reasons. Many people say increasing the price
of petrol might be help to prevent the environment from being polluted and reduce to
overuse of unnecessary a private cars. In my essay, I would like to discuss if it
is actually helpful. <(질문을 답해주는 thesis statement을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Firstly,
it can be said that increasing the price of petrol contributes car owners to
use their car rather less than the time that the price was still reasonable.<Need better coherence> The
public transportation fare is comparably reasonable so it contributes more
people to use the public transportation like the bus or subway. Moreover, the less
people drive their own car, the more vanished the pollution problem will be because
burning petrol is one of the main cause of air pollution.
On the
other hands, the price of petrol is not directly related to reduce those
problems because increasing price is a mere temporary solution, not fundamental
solution. Although the price fluctuates is increased or decreased, many drivers a lot of driver are
still using their own car and simply complain about the changing fluctuate prices of
petrol.<Need better coherence> If the government keeps increasing the price to prevent drivers from using
their car, it might affect the economy. <Need better transition>
The fundamental
solution I think is the high developed technology such as an electronic car. As an the example, an electronic car does not cause of air pollution like the petrol
car. Moreover, it is run by battery charging electric so the price to use is fairly
cheaper than using the other materials.<(need to conclude)
In conclusion, increasing the price of
petrol does has not only have possibility to reduce growing traffic and pollution, but
also has disadvantages that it is not a fundamental solution and might affect the negatively to economy negatively. I believe the most effective solution is to develop the
technology and invent products to use eco-friendly materials, therefore not causing any
pollution.
Score: 5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장이 introduction과 body에 clear 하지 않는 에세입니다. 글쓴이는 both agree and disagree이기 때문에 그것을 support 해주는 방식으로 서술을 해주셔야합니다. 내용상 답은 좋은데 전체적으로 coherence가 떨어집니다. 문장별/문단별 내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다. 문법상 표현, 동사, 그리고 article 사용에 떨어지시고 계십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |