▶ Your Answer :
According to one study, the number of rich
countries’ senior students who take science subjects is gradually going down.<Need better coherence> All
the students have their own freedoms that guarantee to choose subjects only
they want to take, but it may carry out some disadvantages to the students and
their countries, such as low opportunities to think about their jobs, and less
operations for development of their countries.
Essentially, rich students have more
opportunities to study or to have wide ranges of subjects and experiences, than
other normal students, and these experiences are helpful to decide their future
jobs.<(왜 갑자기 rich students가 focus되는지 모르겠습니다) Especially, science subjects, such as Biology, Chemistry, and Physics are
closely applied to people’s lives, so some science related jobs are favored by
young people. The ways of being these jobs are opened to everyone, but
comparatively more opened to the rich students, because basically they have
more financial supports. Thus, the students who haven’t taken any science
subjects before, may have interests in the science, and they would want to work
with science.<(내용이 irrelevant하며 of no value처럼 들립니다)
As the number of the science related jobs
increases, it is beneficial to their countries as well. People prefer new
products with revolutionary technology, and co-operations target these people.
The products are not only sold to people of the country, but also are exported
to all over the world, which mean the co-operations are globally stretched, and
it brings massive benefits on the country’s trade. For instance, the Apple
co-operation has made an innovative cellular phone, and the inventions were
exported to the world. The invention that was based on computer science,
brought a lot of benefits on the trades of the USA.<(이 문단도 질문과 내용이 irrelevant합니다. 과학을 공부하는 아이가 줄면서 나라의 어떤 영향을 끼치는지에 대한 것 보다 과학이 어떻게 나라는 발전하는지에 대해 서술해주셨습니다.)
Of course, there is no guarantee to be a
person such as the former of the Apple co-operation, even though the students
take the science courses. However, even the inventions were based on scientific
knowledge, so the students should know about essential knowledge of science.
Consequently, the rich senior students should to take science courses at their
high school to improve themselves, and to contribute gradual development of
their countries.
Score: 1 Comment: 질문을 답해주는 내용이 전혀 없으며 body 주제가 irrelevant합니다. 부자인 아이가 아니라 부자인 나라 입니다. 그리고 senior students는 고학년인 중3 이나 고3인 학생들입니다. 질문을 조금 더 자세히 이해해주시고 질문에 대한 답을 정하신 후 그 내용을 reasoning/support해주시면 글쓰는데에 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |