▶ Your Answer :
People have a diversity of opinions whether
or not children are required to obey the strict parental and teacher guidance
during early years of childhood development. In this regard, some people assert
that it is necessary for children to follow rules and guidelines set by parents
and teachers.<(repetitive) However, I believe that such behavior hinder children’s growth
and development as it discourages critical thinking and evaluative skills.
On the one hand, children often make wrong
decisions without guidelines for them. Unlike adults who fully established
their perspective, children are susceptible to the influence of celebrities. <(is this true for everyone? 꼭 연예인이어야 influence가 가는게 아닙니다. )Therefore,
children are likely to imitate what they do even though they do not recognize
exactly what they are doing and what will occur as a result of their behavior.<(who is they, they, and they? 복수형 명사가 여려개 있으면 pronoun을 쓰실때 조심해주셔야합니다. 누구를 가르키는지 헷갈리게 들립니다)(Need better coherence) According
to the research conducted by a Korean child foundation, the higher juvenile
delinquency rate witnessed for children who are relatively not under strict
domestic guidance breeding, while those being under many instructions made by their
parents are unlikely to go off the track. Given the above, unless parents and
teachers instruct their children with rigid guidance, they tend to deviate from
standards.
On the other hand, there are many
detrimental effects with regards to this educational way. If parents and
teachers force their children to follow rules made by them, the mental progress
will be hampered. A Numerous studies conducted on children’s capability of
critical thinking and evaluative skills illustrate that children who are forced
to comply with parent’s orders are more lack more of critical thinking and
evaluative skills than those being allowed to do something spontaneously. Furthermore,
those children’s personalities are becoming passive as well. As can be seen <(can be seen where?), it
is evident that children’s mental growth and personalities can deteriorate due to
rigid education by parents and teachers.
To sum up, without parental and teachers
guidance, children might go off track and lead to many juvenile delinquency
since they are vulnerable to the influence of other people. Whereas, forcing
children to obey all rules set by adults have a demoralizing influence on
children’s mental development and personalities. From my perspective, the harm
of these educational methods outweighs the good. This is because children
rebellion can be prevented by giving more attention to children, however once
children’s personalities and mental capacities are established, it is hard to transform<(transform what?).
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 전제적으로 글 정리를 더 해주시고 specificity/clarity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 singular/plurality 에 틀리시고 계십니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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