▶ Your Answer :
The
applications of developing technological devices are having a significant
impact on nation's traditional skills and ways of life. Since the traditional
skills can express detailed or delicacy in styles, which will aid the
development of modern technologies.<(sentence fragment) Therefore, in my opinion, the traditional
skills and ways of life will not die out and will collaborate with the modern
technologies.
(Need better transition)
Traditional
skills and the way of life are threatened by modern technologies. For example,
it is very common to see that nowadays most of store' simple labour work in stores has
been replaced by self-checkout machines. However, traditional skills are still
useful and necessary in certain industries. Winery and brewery are still
required of traditional methods in order to produce its fine quality of goods.
Furthermore, the existence of mixture of both traditional and modernised
technologies in society provides the diversity and the enrichment of modern ways
of life.
(Need better transition)
Keeping
traditional skills is important as it is like keeping the nations' culture.
Conventional skills are the trademark of the country. For instance, France and
Italy are known for the fashionable items such as hand bags, shoes and clothes, that are made by a professional's master's hands. Each country has their own traditional skills, which will
be enlightened by the world, to recognise the value of such a product. Traditional
hand-made products are found to be more delicate than that of mechanised
homogeneous goods. This is where the modern technologies can be improved from
learning of traditional skills.
In
conclusion, traditional skills and lifestyles are increasingly useful
alternatives to the homogeneity brought by the global development of modern
technologies. <Need better cohesion> However, the evolution of technologies will not lead the
traditional skills to die out dying-out, but there is no doubt that some would thrive when
their roles are appreciated.
Score: 6.5 Comment: Task를 fully satisfy 해주셨습니다. 다만 흐름이 조금 좋지 않습니다. 내용 연결성에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 thesis statement에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 질문이 물어보는 주요 내용은 It is pointless to try and keep them alive부분인 것 같습니다. 그렇기 때문에 Introduction에서도 이 내용에 대한 의견도 state해주시면 body내용과 연결이 더 잘 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |