The table above show survey results have an information about eight complaints that reported by German workforce in
2001 by gender.
According to the data of the table, it is clearly seen that excessive noise was
the most serious response(23%) among the categories. This reason accounted
for one-fifth of males and just over one-fourth of females, respectively.
In contrast, six percent of total workers complained about the temperature, and
this made up negligible proportions without regarding sex.
(Need better cohesion/ 위 문단에서도 detail를 주셨기 때문에 turning to the detail는 문맥상 알맞는 cohesion이 아니라고 생각합니다.)
Turning to the detail, it is notably seen that more than half of male workers
complained about relationship with others such as relationship with the line
manager and annoying co-workers, which accounted for a sum of 56% in the male’s list.
While just about 15% of women complained about the as the same reasons.<(sentence fragment, 앞문장과 콤마로 연결해서 같이 와야합니다)
In addition, a big gap was found in sexual harassment.
Just a few male workers complained about this (1%), whereas one-tenth of female
workers complained about the same category.
Overall, there was clearly a different tendency between men
and women. Men generally complained about human relations, and women complained
about working circumstances such as noise, technical support, and lack of
privacy. <(이 내용이 introduction뒤에 오면은 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6.5
Comment: 글 정리/내용 grouping을 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.