▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that many people have has become
to live more lively since the development of technology. <Need better coherence> The evolved
technologies, such as computers and mobile phones which disable people to communicate with others anymore.<(unclear/sentence fragment/) I, therefore,
believe that this these negative impacts has carried out the detrimental factors
towards people such as losing their sociability and family bonds
It is true that an advances in technology
has rapidly grown growth over a period of few decades. In particular, such devices as
mobile phones soaked into people's mind as an indispensable product. In Korea, for
example, it is easy to spot people that looking at their phones anywhere as in trains and buses, and even if they are with their friends. Sometimes, this phenomenon leads to
people into danger when they walked on the footpath because of their eyesight
only concentrates on the screen of their phone. <(irrelevant/off topic 하게 들립니다)
In addition, I strongly, believe that there
are numerous negative effects to people. Many technical users usually tend to
be addicted by the new technology because the latest technology has been released consistently to public and make
people to have a curiosity. It, therefore, brings about people to spend more money
expect than their budget. <(irrelevant) On top of this, as for children, they were extremely
deteriorated by detrimental aspects such as losing their sociability. Since they
have fear to talk with others and are satisfied with using mobile phones, they build a barricade for themselves and not talk to others. building a
barricade by themselves for do not talk. Young people, in particular, showed
that they were holding their phone on the whole day, not communicating with their
parents, then they will automatically lose family's relationships between
parents and children.
To conclude, it is clear that this evolution evolvement of technology has taken useful ways to increase quality of people's
lives<(에세이에 서술해주신 내용이 아닙니다) but it seems not to be an ideal development to people as their
relationship with anyone around them <(unclear).
Score: 5 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주지 않았습니다. Irrelevant한 내용이 많습니다. 주제는 technology 로 인한 interaction/communication에 대해 묻고 있습니다. 글쓴이는 주로 technology 그 자체에 대한 단점을 서술해주셨습니다. 그렇기 때문에 task도 fully satisfy 해주시지 않은 것 같습니다. Technology 로 interact/communicate/socialize하는 것이 사람과 사람의 관계에 어떤 영향을 주었는지 서술을 해주시고 그것이 negative한지 positive한지 서술을 해주셨어합니다. 에세이상 전체적으로 organization/clarity/coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 punctuation/capitalization/문장구조/표현/단어형태/동사/시제 에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |