▶ Your Answer :
As the human's life becomes valuable and
appreciated, the certain types of experiments have been conducted on animals. Some
people would could claim that the experiments are a necessity for the development of living standard of living, whereas the critics claim that this is invasion of animal
rights. This essay will discuss both of these views before reaching a
reasonable conclusion.
An animal experiment can be invasion of
animal rights and sometimes it includes the cruel tests. The test animals would
have to be incarcerated live incarceration and have to endure multiple tests a day. Sometimes,
they can face a death during the experiment because of the medicine or chemical
reactions. The value of animals' life is becoming a questionable by a cruel
experiments because all the living things/beings have the equal value like humans.
Therefore, doing the animal tests can show that human's life is superior than
the animals' life.
(Need better transition)
All humans may face the same consequences without
the aids of animals. In the past, all men took a role as an experimental rat by
forcing from the government's force for the development of medical researches. Even
today, some countries might still conduct an experiment on humans. <Need better coherence> Therefore, it
cannot be said say whose lives are superior than others. Without having all those
animal experiments, humans and animals could not have a healthier lifestyle. In
the case of a the bird flu, people had discovered the vaccine to cure for most of
birds to survive surviving, and all the birds would have been killed otherwise.<(clarity/unity가 조금 떨어집니다. animal testing로 인해 동물과 사람 모두 살게 되는 것이라면 topic sentence에도 그렇다고 전달을 해주시고 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 조금 더 clear 할 것 같습니다)
In my opinion, despite the incarceration of
animals, more animals are being slaughtered by for our daily meals than in the
laboratory. Furthermore, people can enjoy a quality of life by longevity
without diseases, thanks to animal testing. If there is no animal testing,
humans might not be able to develop this much in science, medicine and
psychology. Therefore, animal testing is necessary to improve the health of
human.
In conclusion, animal testing could be
considered as a cruelty of human actions, however, it has improved the human's
lifestyles by improving the various scientific areas. Therefore, the animal
testing is somehow necessary.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 글쓴이의 의견도 잘 전달을 해주신 것 같습니다. 다만 세 번째 문단의 clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 표현/문장구조/article사용/plurality/수동태 활용/collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Plurality의 경우 영어는 일반적인 것을 이야기 할때는 한국어와 달리 단순형이 아닌 복수형을 사용합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 거 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |