이게 질문이고 저는 이렇게 적었습니다.
It is a common belief that working as part-time jobs enables students to understand the virtues required to become successful. However, there is a more persuasive argument that this activity usually makes them not focus on their duties at school.
On the one hand, doing part-time jobs is a beneficial method for lots of students to acquire a variety of things successfully. In particular, it helps them experience hands-on activities in other places, while studying at school. For example, some students work at McDonald or Burger king that famous franchises in the world as waiters or waitresses in order to learn how to treat customers kindly and politely. This is undoubtful that interpersonal communication abilities will be improved in the future. Moreover, another students tend to deliver newspapers at the early of the morning in spite of tired feelings. It can promote diligence.
Even so, getting part-time jobs is closely associated with distracting students at school. As they spend time working at remaining time, they are normally unable to concentrate on studying essential subjects and do extracurricular activities. According to recent interviews with Korean secondary school teachers, some students who work as waiters and waitresses at bars, restaurants and other places at late night., usually get asleep during regular classes or touch their smartphones so as to alleviate stress.
To sum up, while there are many advantages of encouraging students to work as part-time jobs, it is definitely apparent that this interrupts keeping students' compulsory things such as studying and doing club activities with their schoolmates. (256 words)
시간은 38분 소요했고 문장 전개를 더 깊이 팔려고 신경썼습니다. 항상 감사합니다. 비밀번호는 1234입니다.