이게 질문이고 저는 이렇게 적었습니다.
It is a common belief that working as part-time jobs part time enables students to understand the virtues required to become successful. However, there is a more persuasive argument that this activity usually makes them not focus on their duties at school.
On the one hand, doing part-time jobs is a beneficial method for lots of students to acquire a variety of things successfully. In particular, it helps them experience hands-on activities in other places, while studying at school. For example, some students work at famous franchises such as McDonald's or Burger king that famous franchises in the world as waiters or waitresses (맥도날드 버거킹에는 웨이터가 있다고 보기 어려우므로, cashier 등으로 바꾸거나 아예 빼셔야합니다.) in order to learn how to treat customers kindly and politely. This is undoubtful that interpersonal communication abilities will be improved in the future. Moreover, other another students tend to deliver newspapers at the early of the morning in spite of tired feelings. It can promote diligence.
Even so, getting part-time jobs is closely associated with distracting students at school. As they spend time working at remaining time (여기는 time 이 한 번만 쓰이도록 바꿔보세요~), they are normally unable to concentrate on studying essential subjects and do extracurricular activities. According to recent interviews with Korean secondary school teachers, some students who work as waiters and waitresses at bars, restaurants and other places at late night., usually get asleep during regular classes or touch their smartphones so as to alleviate stress.
To sum up, while there are many advantages of encouraging students to work as part-time jobs, it is definitely apparent that this interrupts keeping students' compulsory things such as studying and doing club activities with their schoolmates.
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
웨이터 등에서 내용상 오류가 약간 있긴 했으나, 그래도 대체로 잘 쓰인 편입니다. 그러나 이전에도 말씀드렸듯이 지금 서/결론에서는 탈피하는 걸 추천드리고요. 암기에 따른 감점을 어느정도 감수하셔야하는데, 6점대를 목표하시는 학생들은 이 감점보다 템플릿을 쓰는 게 이득이므로 상관이 없지만, 7점대는 얘기가 달라집니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)
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