Drug abuse is an increasing problem in modern times.
Discuss some reasons behind this and suggest ways it can be hindered.
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It is true that the abuse of illegal drugs has become a critical issue in contemporary society. While this is a serious problem, it can be solved by strengthening the control and law.
The main cause of the rising drug crime is that there are a vast amount of illegal websites material about drugs on the Internet. In modern society, with the development of the Internet, many people can find data related drugs and get illegal drugs such as ecstasy, phylophone or weeds. Also, the level of punishment for drug crimes is too low. In Korea, for example, if someone wants to get drugs, all he or she has to do is to go to a site where they can link drug data to sellers by searching the Internet. In addition, if caught in a crime, they will still be released on a fine or probation. (이 문장이 성립하려면, 먼저 앞서 '형벌이 낮다' 라는 일반적인 문장부터 넣어주셔야합니다.)
However, there are solutions to this problem. One of the ways to prevent abusing drugs is the Internet crackdown and strengthening of the law. the The government should establish a control department and The Ministry of Justice (이게 싹 고유명사라고 보시면 됩니다.) the ministry of justice should enacts or revise laws that offenders who commit a drug crime can go to jail over 5 years or get worse, demand the death penalty. In Saudi Arabia, for instance, if some people do commit a drug offence, the judge rules the death penalty and the government also has their own the Internet security team who are monitoring and blocking the bad or illegal material included drugs around the clock. In the above actions, their drug crime rate is significantly lower compared to other countries.
To sum up, it is clear that easily accessing the drug data and low punishment level is a big reason behind the increasing number of abuse cases. Nevertheless, the issue can be resolved by controlling the cyber environment and enforcement of low law by the government.
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소요시간 44분 .. 40분 밑으로는 떨어지질 안는거같아요...
서론 첫문장은 책에있는거 썻어요.. (이미 책에있는 서론을 읽어서 저거밖에 생각이 안나더라고요 ...)
항상 첨삭 해주셔서 감사합니다. 코로나 조심하세요 !
총평: (7/6/7/7) 7.0
잘 쓰셨는데, 아마 실전에서 7이 나올 확률은 조금 낮을 겁니다. 가장 큰 문제는 시간 떄문이죠. 실제 시험을 치르실 때, 지금 정도의 글을 40분내로 쓰면 제일 좋겠지만, 그렇지 않더라도 최소한 두 task 모두 미완성된 상태로 제출되는 일이 없도록 주의해주셔야합니다. 미완성만 아니면 목표 점수 넘기실 거에요~수고하셨습니다 :)
+audxogud님도 코로나 조심하세요~