In many countries women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn on their own income and therefore do not require the financial security marriage can bring. To what extent do you agree?
It has been observed that women in around world
opt an work instead of getting married marriage because they does (이런 거 틀리면 곤란합니다!) not consider marriage
importantly. Some people think that it is mainly because, no longer they do not
need economical security through marriage anymore by other. I strongly agree with this opinion as I
think that women have enough ability to earn money.
To begin with, there are numerous reasons
why women do not need not ready to get married. The first and foremost reason is education
opportunity. In the past time, a good number of girls could not receive any
education due to custom or political forces. With it, the value of men was higher
than that of women at the same time relatively so that only boys could go to
school. However, as times goes on, girls have also become able to receive education due to the
changed recognition about right of society. Furthermore, in accordance with
this trend, now, more and more and diverse kinds of field job opportunity are
given to women.
Secondly, women do not no longer want to be confined
to marriage and other things that come from it no longer. To be specific, most single women women,
not married, think that if they get married marry, they lose their freedom and their own
time for only them. Hence, working and living alone is better rather than spend some
time to adjust to the new environment and people.
In conclusion, my I personally think is that
this trend, an increasing number of unmarried women, is a legitimate it due to their
rights.
총평: (6/6/7/5) 6.0
일단 문법이 5점이기는 하나 이번 글의 문법에서는 글의 흐름을 방해할 정도의 본질적인 문제는 없었고, 따라서 채점관에 따라 6점으로 올라갈 가능성도 아주 낮은 확률로 있습니다. 즉, 이전 글들보다는 훨씬 나았어요. 아주 최소한의 선에서 이정도는 되어야하고, 그래도 여기서 절대 만족하지 말고 시험장 가실 때까지 매일매일 문법:글쓰기 비중을 8:2 혹은 그 이상으로 투자해주세요! (이전 글들의 경우도 저는 다 5로 드리긴 했으나 냉정하게 보면 6으로 올라갈 확률은 전혀 없었고 채점관에 따라 4까지 떨어질 여지도 많았습니다.)
어휘의 경우는 대체로 깔끔했고, 내용도 본론 두 번째 문단만 살짝 보충해주시면 되겠습니다.
they does 이런 거는 진짜 절대로 틀리지 않도록 신경써주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)