Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person’s nature.
Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.
Many people have stated
that one of the most biggest reasons that criminals do commit small or huge crime is because they most
culprits experience an economically disadvantage when they were children. However,
a number of experts believe that crime has nothing to do with culprit’s background,
and crime is caused by a criminal’s inherent nature.
Firstly, there is an assertion that crime is
linked with criminal’s poor surroundings such as poverty. It is a well-known fact that some people who
experienced poverty in their childhood do the robbery and theft more often to
maintain their lives. For example, according to the survey, the majority of
people who are living in the jail more suffered poverty than those who are not. They
are likely to be more exposed to detrimental circumstances (초록 부분은 밑에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) than others who has have a
lot of money. Therefore, it is evident that culprits who experienced
detrimental background show high rate of crime.
On the other hand, some people contend that the cause of crime is related to human’s nature. This is because crime itself is occurred by the/an unusual mindset of criminals. For example, there are also many inmates in prison who did severe crime such as murder, though they were raised by opulent households. This clearly illustrates that crime could be related to their inherent nature. For this reason, people who have unusual thought derived from their nature could do more severe crime than ordinary people. (이 두 문장은 첫 문장을 그대로 돌려말하고 있습니다. 하나는 날려버리시고, 대신 부자집에서 자랐음에도 범죄를 저지르는 사람들의 실제 동기를 적어주세요~)
In conclusion, although those two
opinions are both intriguing, but there are many examples that criminals who
experienced poverty in childhood do the robbery and theft more a lot than
normal citizens, so I believe that main cause of crime is likely to be occurred
due to criminal’s poor circumstance.
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총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
다른 부분은 괜찮았는데 주장에 대한 근거 전개가 조금 아쉬웠습니다. 본론 두 번째 문단이 대표적으로 위에 표시해드린 것과 같은 문제가 있고, 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우도 초록색 표시해드린 내용이 실제 살에 해당하므로, 저런 부분들이 더 들어갈 수 있어야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)