▶ Your Answer :
The bar graph and table illustrate about students using computers and online facilities in Australian university in 2001 and 2002 >> 문제에서도 이렇게 쓰였으니 between 2001 and 2002가 좋습니다.
As seen from the chart, the number of students using computers at home showed the highest percentage, which increased by >> 400%만큼 증가했다는 by 400%까지 증가했다는 to를 써서 나타내주세요 about 400% from around >> 앞에 about이 있어서 고쳐드렸습니다 800% in 2001 and 1200% in 2002. However, the rate used researched at university in 2001 slightly decreased about 200% in 2002. Similarly, the students who do not have computers quite reduced from around 300% to well under 100%.
Moving on to the table, the students number surveyed on this research in 2001 and in 2002 were equal with total 1600 in total. On the other hand, the students using online facilities (in 2001, 1088, 68%, showed a considerable rise by 2002 at around 1536, 96%)>> 괄호 안에 이렇게 길게 쓰지 말아주세요 괄호로는 퍼센트나 연도만 들어가는 간단한 표시만 해주세요, were demonstrated as an upward trend. Moreover, the number submitting work online dramatically increased almost five times by far.(about 320(17%) to 1568(98%))
In conclusion, the number of students using computers and online facilities sharply rose as time goes by.
제이님이 첨삭해주시는거 보면서 같은 실수 하지말아야지 하는데 글을 쓰다가 문득문득 잊곤 하네요^^;
많이 써보고 열심히 노력하면 좋은 점수 받을 수 있겠죠? ㅎㅎ 첨삭 부탁드리겠습니다!
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Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
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