▶ Your Answer :
The three pie charts >> 문제와 똑같이 쓰는 것은 좋지 않습니다 the graphs 정도라고 쓰시는 편이 좋습니다 below illustrate the variation in annual consuming by a particular United Kingdom >> 우선 United Kingdom은 the를 앞에 써줘야하며 영국이란 뜻으로 명사 명사가 연속으로 올 수 없으므로 school in the United Kingdom 혹은 british school 혹은 English school이라고 해주세요 school in 1981, 1991 and 2001. There are five different salaries given.
First of all, in 1981, there was an outstanding increase in teachers` salaries with 40% and second place was others workers` salaries with 28%. The least remained one were resources e.g >> 이런 축약형은 좋지 않습니다 such as 가 좋습니다 books and>> 콤마를 넣어주세요 furniture and equipment with 15% respectively, >> 콤마 빼주세요 and insurance was minimal at only 2%
In addition, in 1999, 50% of teachers` salaries increased gradually more than in the past 1981, whereas 22% of others` salaries decreased gently. The least three types of salaries >> one amongst the three categories were under 20%
Moreover, in 2001, both teachers' salaries and other workers` salaries declined a little approximately 6% and resource e.g >> 위와 같네요 such as로 해주세요 books was as well, while 23% of furniture and equipment steadily rose >> 동사 부사 순서가 바뀌었네요 more than in the past. The least insurance was still minimal 8%
In conclusion, apart from furniture and equipment, four types of salaries sank, comparing >> 앞에 콤마를 붙여주시고 compared 는 쓰이지 않습니다 comparing입니다 to the past for in 1981 and 1991. A particular UK school seems to spend salaries for furniture and equipment.
177words
예상하신 것과는 다르게 문법도 오류가 좀 있었지만 디테일에서의 문제가 많이 발견됐습니다 than in the past 과연 past는 몇인데 과거보다 높다고 할 수 있을까 생각해보면 쉽습니다 그래프를 읽을 줄 모르는 사람에게 설명하는 글이라고 생각해주세요 감독관이 보고 있으면 그냥 보고 이거 이렇네 하는 것이 아닌 감독관에게 설명을 한다는 생각으로 해주세요 어휘도 ~~ of salaries의 형태가 계속 반복됩니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0에 가깝지만 약 5.0~ 5.5 의 점수를 받을 듯 싶습니다
|