A problem of modern society is the declining level of health in the general population. with conflicting views on how to tackle this worrying trend >> 불완전한 문장입니다 삭제해도 무관합니다. One possible solution is to provide more sports facilities to encourage a more active lifestyle.>> 문제 제기를 했으면 본인의 의견을 제시해주세요 one possible ~~ 이건 그냥 있다는 말이지 본인의 의견이 아닌 문장입니다
Advocates of this believe that To begin with, 으로 시작한 후 본인의 본론1을 대표하는 주장을 한 문장 쓴 후 today~~ 설명이 들어가는게 적절합니다 today’s sedentary lifestyle and stressful working conditions mean that physical activity is no longer a part of either our work or our leisure time. Il there were easy to-reach local sports centres. we would be more likely to make exercise a regular part of our lives, rather than just collapsing in front of a screen every evening>>??. A variety of sports that could be offered would cater for be introduced to all ages, levels of fitness and interests; >> 접속사도 없이 갑자기 어떻게 나올까요? 또한 : 는 자주 쓰이지 않습니다 ; 세미콜론이 많이 쓰입니다 세미콜론도 보통은 완전한 문장 뒤에 붙습니다 those with painful memory of PE at school might be happier in the swimming pool than on the football pitch >> 무슨 말인지 다 모르겠습니다 내용이 긴밀하게 연결되지 않고 한 문장 한 문장이 앞뒤 없이 모두 나열만 됐네요.
However, >> 쉼표입니다 there may be better ways of tackling this problem. An interest in sports is not universal. and additional facilities might simply attract the already ht. not those who most need them>> 무슨 말이죠? . Physical activity could be encouraged relatively cheaply. For example, >> 문두 부사 뒤에 콤마입니다 by installing exercise equipment in parks. as my local council has done. >> 접속사절은 혼자만 스스로 문장으로 구성하지 못하고 완전한 문장에 붙어서 쓰이는걸 모르시나요? This has the added benefit that parents and children often use them together just for fun, which develops a positive attitude to exercise at an early age. >> 새로운 주장은 적절치 않습니다
As well as physical activity. high tax penalties could be imposed on high fat food products. tobacco and alcohol. as excessive consumption of any of these contributes to poor health. Even improving public transport would help: it takes longer to walk to the bus stop than to the car. >> 운동 시설들을 설립하는 문제에서 갑자기 이게 왜 나오나요?
In my opinion, focusing on sports facilities is too narrow to approach and would not have the desired results. People should be encouraged not only to be more physically active but also to adopt a healthier lifestyle in general.
글을 쓰기 전에 그래머 공부를 더 해주시길 바랍니다 아직 글 자체를 쓰기엔 이릅니다
그 다음Task1 으로 써주시길 바랍니다 Task2를 쓰기엔 논리나 문법에서 너무나도 부족하다고 말씀드리고 싶습니다
콤마의 사용을 모를 뿐 아니라 접속사의 쓰임도 모르는게 보입니다
Task Achievement - 4
Coherence and Cohesion - 3
Lexical Resource - 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 3
4.0 예상합니다