Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Child obesity has become an emerging
concern as a result of a rise in obesity rate regardless of age. At the same
time, the question of whether childhood obesity should be dealt by the government
or parents has been debated. I generally believe that parents are more accountable
for this child obesity issue.
As far as the responsibility of the
government is are concerned, the government is are capable to support more practical
and effective health-related improvement measures to tackle childhood obesity. The
government could alleviate the increasing trend in the obesity issue of children
through the
assistance programs such as an extra curriculum for physical activity, medical counselling
and education or campaigns to teach the seriousness of obesity. These programs
could encourage children to have enough physical activities or healthy eating
habits, which is essential for obesity matters.
On the other hand, immense contribution of parents to habit formation in childhood cannot be ignored in terms of having a healthy habit. First, children are prone to imitate the behaviours of their parents regardless of whether it is harmful to themselves. For this reason, parents should make a great effort to maintain a healthy lifestyle, including eating habit and exercise to induce their children to have appropriate habits for health. Second, children are more likely to avoid intaking the food that parents force them to eat while prefer the food which they have a positive memory. Thus, parents should provide their children pleasing experience about high nutrient food.
In my opinion, obesity is a serious disease
that could induce various complication like diabetes or high blood pressure so it should be relied rely on both the government and parents. However, concerning the
substantial influence of parents in development of lifestyle in childhood,
parents should set the example of health habits to make them feel familiar with
proper diet and exercise for their health and prevent their children from
obesity in their whole lives.
총평: (8/7/6/7) 7.0
내용은 크게 문제 없이 잘 갖춰주셨습니다. 단, 문법에서 간혹 자잘한 오류가 보인다는 점은 주의해주셔야겠고요. 또한 children, obesity 등 몇몇 핵심 표현들이 너무 자주 반복되고 있는데, 이로 인해 글이 다소 단조로운 상태입니다. 전자의 경우 동의어가 정말 많이 존재하니까 잘 활용해주시면 되고, 후자는 직접적인 동의어가 없다고 하더라도, increase in weight 등의 표현을 통해 대체가 가능하죠. 이와 같은 패러프레이징에 조금 더 신경써주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)