이게 제목이고 저는 이렇게 적었습니다.
It is a common belief that offenders' privacy needs to be protected to reduce the damages of innocent people. However, there is a more persuasive argument that their information should be exposed to the citizens in order to deter people from terrible incidents things.
On the one hand, some people say the state should maintain violent criminals' information. Although they committed crimes such as murder and vandalism, victimising innocent people is not valid. For example, if criminals' information is extensively opened, their close friends or family can be ignored from a society. Thus, some of them may go through a hard time by having depression and other diseases such as heart attack (이건 좀 너무 가지 않았나 싶네요. 물론 이렇다고 해서 점수에 들어가지는 않습니다.) and high pressure. More seriously, they sadly decide to lose their lives by themselves.
Nevertheless, I support the idea that publicising their (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상을 대명사로 작성해서는 안 됩니다.) personal information is essential taken into account of keeping a safe and peace community. This is evident that unless governments and policies collaborate to expose to offenders' privacy, they might harm innocent people regardless of time and place in the future. For instance, the Korean government changed policies from preserving criminals' private information to opening to it for the public in similar to Megan law, which law is rigorously executed in all U.S states to regulate criminals. Therefore, offenders are monitored heavily and closely with getting exposure to their information on online and street.
To sum up, while it is obvious that respecting criminals' privacy is quite necessary, it is undeniable that publicising it is more imperative than different policies to protect a public safety. (254 words)
시간이 넘었다는 것과 문장 전개가 제대로 안 된 거 같습니다. 비밀번호는 1234입니다. 항상 감사합니다.
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
갑자기 갓파님께서 7점 목표하시는지, 7.5 목표하시는지 기억나지 않지만, 여튼 task 2에서 더 벌어가실 수 있어야합니다. 그리고 어차피 7점이든 7.5든, 7점대 이상에서는 템플릿 없이 수험생 스스로 능동적인 글을 작성할 수 있어야합니다. 갓파님 정도 영어실력이면 충분히 혼자 쓰실 수 있으니까, 특히 결론은 그냥 단순 요약이 아니라 내 의견을 적는 쪽으로 서술하는 걸 추천드려요. 또한 지금 템플릿은 discuss both 외에는 100% 들어맞지 않습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)