In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
As the quality of healthcare and the economy have been
improved, many countries now are transformed to the aging society (국가가 사회로 변한다는 표현은 어색합니다. 사회가 사회로 변하든지, 국가가 국가로 변하는 것은 몰라도요.). However, many
people suffer from problems caused by increasing life expectancy. I will
discuss about problems relating to the aging society and suggest possible
solutions.
For individuals
in a society, the financial burden has increased by the growth of life expectancy.
The elderly can not find a proper job after they retired if they do not have
any plans. Moreover, in a society only a few jobs are available to the elderly
such as apartment guard or guide in metro stations. Meanwhile, it is obvious
that the government might would have to endure the increased burden in welfare for old
people. An amount of money should be allocated to the welfare to provide
financial support for the elderly, while the number of working adults has decreased
as society are getting older. In addition, many accidents will occur in aging
society. For instance, some old people might die alone without any relatives.
One of solutions ('~를 극복하기 위한 해결책으로는' 에서 '~' 가 정확히 무엇을 지칭하는지를 다시 한번 상기시켜주세요! 핵심에 대한 꾸준한 상기가 글쓰기의 기본 원칙 중 하나입니다.) is that the government should modify its welfare system to a more productive way.
For instance, the government can might enforce the pension insurance system which
can help aging population as they prepare their life in advance. Furthermore,
the government might launch new programmes for the elderly such as vocational training
or communities which might become an opportunity to create new relationships
with others. Another solution to mitigate the burden of the government and
individuals in tax which is required to support pension is that the government can
promote immigration of foreigner which might lead to the increase of working
adults.
In conclusion, the aging population will have a negative impact on financial condition for both individuals and a society. Therefore, I believe that the aging society might mitigate this impact as the government reinforces the welfare system or promotes immigration from other countries.
총평: (6/7/7/6) 6.5
잘 써주시긴 했는데, 문법 쪽에서 간혹 나사가 빠진 문장들이 보이므로 주의해주셔야 합니다. 대표적인 경우로 결론의 첫 문장이 있겠고요. 또한 특히 해결책에서 여러 개의 사항들이 구체적인 설명 없이 쭉 나열되어있는데, 이보다는 두 개 정도만 남기더라도 조금 더 보완설명을 추가하는 쪽으로 작성해주시는 게 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다 :)