▶ Your Answer : Some workers have a specific age to retire their job, but some workers can choose their retirement date. It is my belief that it is a good idea to have the retirement date for workers at a specific age. The old need to give more opportunities for the young, and they cannot >> 축약형 쓰지 마시구 can't 는 풀어쓰면 cannot 붙여쓰시길 바랍니다 work as much as young workers do.
It is important to give as many as opportunities for young people. The old cannot>> 위와 마찬가지입니다 hold their jop till they die and giving more rooms for the young is one of thier duties>> 두 문장이 오려면 접속사로 연결해야 합니다. These days, getting a jop for young people has become harder and harder. Therefore, If old people keep their job very long, it will make young peple much more competitive. In addition, old people usually do not >> 역시 축약형은 쓰지 마시기 바랍니다 have any children to feed because they are already grown up. On the other hand, young people usually have their family to support in many ways, so they need job to make and save up money for their family and the future.
When people are old, it is a natural thing that they cannot handle a lot of works which they could deal with well when they are younger. Old people usually need to take more rest than young people, and also they are getting slow in everything naturally. Furthermore, keeping old workers in a workplace causes a side effect. If a company keep a lot of the old, the company need to hire more workers because they cannot handle a lot of assignments. Eventually, the company should spend more money to hire more workers. The company does not have a lot of money to pay for eveyone. It is not an effective way to run their business.
In conclusion, some workers retire in their specific age, but others do whenever they want. I think retiring at a specific age is really important for their society because it is the old's duty to give more jop spaces for the young and also they cannot work a lot naturally.
우선 가장 쉽고 가장 먼저 고칠 부분은 축약형의 사용이에요
다 풀어써주시길 바랍니다 can't 는 cannot doesn't 은 does not 등으로요
또한 비슷한 어구들이 계속해서 반복이 일어나는데 they it 등의 대명사로 받아주시면 좋겠구요
결론은 한 번씩 말했던 것들 다루면서 마무리해서 좋았습니다
본론 2에선 비슷한 맥락의 문장이 반복되는 듯 싶구요
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 ---- 축약형과 접속사의 부재 등으로 잦은 실수로 인해 깎였습니다..
6.0정도 예상하지만 그래머 보완하시면 6.5도 가능하다고 봅니다 ! |