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Due to the increase of average life span, it is controversial if the companies should lengthen the retirement age or maintain the same policy. Both sides will have positive and negative view.>> 논리가 좋다고도 생각이 들지만 life span 에 대한 언급이 나오지 않아서 적절치 못한 관점이 될 수가 있어요 실제로 저도 이 주제로 담당 튜터한테 첨삭을 받을 때 지적받은 부분이기도 합니다
On one hand, if we extent the retirement age, young generations will have a chance to learn the wiseness of the olds>> the old 자체가 나이 든 사람들이란 복수명사가 됩니다~. They have dealt with various situations that happened during their working careers. For example, an important meeting is arranged with the customers but the samples requested from them>> customers의 반복보단 연속해서 나온다면 대명사로 받아주시는게 좋습니다 is not ready on time. A new colleague will have no idea to solve this situation. However, the senior might have an alternative method by applying this case to one of his experiences done at the past. In addition, it will also benefit the government. Longer life span means that large money must be spent to the pension. However,>> 문두에 but은 쓰지 않습니다 increased retirement age can solve this problem because they will work longer and will be able to pay the tax to the government which will also benefit the younger generations as well >> too 보단 as well 이 좋다고 생각해요.
On the other hand, due to their old age, some people will have difficulty catching up in modern technology. For instance, they will have difficulty searching new ideas by surfing and uploading confidential file in the internal system which will result preventing them from communicating with younger generations. Secondly, it will affect the increase of the unemployment of the late twenties. It will be hard to find a job due owing to the lengthened retirement age.
In conclusion, the government must consider about extending the retirement age because it will be an inevitable result in the near future and it will also benefit our society. However, increase of the unemployment also should be considered and have preventive measures to maintain the balance.
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Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |