▶ Your Answer :
It is true that the news media is essential in contemporary society. On the one hand >>On the other hand 혹은 on one hand 라고 써주시길 바랍니다, some people insist that individuals cannot get any information without a medium. On the other hand, the news media affects a civil>> citizens to worry as to serious accidents at all times. I totally disagree with this view because information is the most valuable assets in our lives and also having caution leads to decreases in the rate of accidents.
To begin with, always the news channel always notifies important information to citizens, thus so>> thus는 문장을 이어주는 기능이 없습니다 people can recognize or prepare for today’s weather, changed policy and updated events, According to a survey, conducted by the Guardians, people recognize regarding changed policies of the government from diverse sources. 69 percent of respondents said the channel is “mass media” and only 20 percent was through “acquaintance”. Moreover, from my personal experience, I tend to check news when I decide something. Especially, I am used to check today’s weather through a mobile application for whether I would need an umbrella or not. It appears that news media is how useful and closely related with our lives.>> 뉴스 매체를 날씨를 알아보는 것에 한정되어 본론의 대부분을 구성하는건 포괄적이지 않고 한정적인 예입니다
At the same time, the awareness of accidents surrounded by someone’s lives >> 무슨 말인지 모르겠습니다 has effectiveness to have caution and protect the potential accidents, because people can learn some tips for protecting accidents from the past or indirect experiences. From my point of view, after when I watched TV news about one of the car accidents during summer season, I checked my car by following the reporter’s guidelines. After that I can realized some problem , and finally I can save my money and life, so I firmly believe that news includes numerous useful information.
To sum up, sometimes, news channel affects to think sturdily strictly, but it has many benefits outweigh the problem. When people have attention, they can protect from acute happenings.
문법도 약하지만 무엇보다도 구성을 어떻게 해야할지 막막합니다. 조언 부탁드릴께요.
점수도 내주시면 좋구요. ^^ 감사합니다
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네 문법에서 약한 면에 좀 보였네요
문장도 너무 한국적인 말을 작문하려는 듯하게 보였구요
단어 반복도 보였고 예시는 좀 더 포괄적이게 뉴스라는 자체를 담을 수 있는 것을 써주세요
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 5
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5예상합니다 |