▶ Your Answer :
As a society progresses and becomes industrialised, advertising plays a big role in modern society. Regarding this issue, while it is gradually more recognised that advertinsing is valuable and necessary in our daily lives, there are opposite voices in opposition , saying that it is wasteful and impractical. Upon cautiously looking at both sides on different perspectives, my assessment is parallel with the former contention argument and my bases are outlined below.
On the one hand To begin with, there are those who are convinced that advertising has diverse drawbacks on many aspects in societies. With rational thinking, too much competition in commercials among companies would result in wasting huge amount of finance,>> 콤마 빼주세요 주어가 같을 경우 써줍니다 and the expense spent on advertising would be put to the consummers as high prices in order to offset the expenditure. Moreover, there are some victims of advertiserments believe that advertsing encorages impulsive purchases as well as over consumptions.>> As continuously repeated those patterns, a number of in progress advertisements, which are imprudently come out, also encourage people to purchase unnecessary things.
However, it can be noticed without difficulty that advertising is a useful tool for morden populations. To elaborate, commercials provide information of products as well as it helps us to make decisions about what to buy. If advertising doesnot exist, it would be inconvinient and people would waste more time when they need to compare traits and functions among numerous products.
Another argument, which supports the inclination, is that the beneficial side effects >> 유익한 부작용이요?? that come from commercials. To illustrate, advertising not only boosts the economy of societies, but also enables companies to be more competitive for showing their products with better functions through further researches. As functions of products are getting >> get 동사는 피해주시구요 increasingly를 써주세요 improved, our daily lives would be more convinient and this would finally result in bringing possible further developments in societies. In this regard, it can be considered that advertising is needed.
Based on the aforementioned statements, I have finally come to understand that while although the dark sides of commercials are also observed, advertising brings more helpful effects in societies. Therefore, >> 문두 부사 뒤에 콤마 필요합니다 I believe that advertising is generally necessary in our society.
단어가 좋았지만 아쉽게 스펠링 오류가 많아서 점수 감점도 많았습니다
스펠링 오류만 없었어도 7점은 충분히 받을거라고 봅니다
offset을 이용한 문장이 아주 좋았습니다
중간에 아예 지워드린 단락은 사실상 another~~ 부분과 겹치는 이점 부분이라 지워드렸습니다
구성을 다르게 both views를 본론 하나에 몰아넣고 본론 하나는 본인의 의견을 제시하는게 어떨까도 생각해봅니다 글자수를 지금 지워드린 만큼 줄여주시면 약 260자가 나옵니다 충분합니다 그 정도면
비슷한 문장이 겹치고 지워드린 단락에서도 스펠링 실수가 있었구요 각 단락의 첫 문장은 들여쓰기입니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |