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In this modern society, many qualified people among whole over the world prefer to immigrate to other developed countries from their natural (어색한 단어 선택!) nations. In this case, some people think that is stealing human resources from the poor nations. However, I believe that this situation is one of the natural phenomenons (한정사 사용법 익히세요!), and also it provides more beneficial opportunities which are related with high salary and developed lifestyle for those international workers.
Firstly, the foreign employees can earn big amount more money salary rather than (rather than 사용법 주의/than 사용하는 비교문장 주의) when they just lived in their natural countries. Aside from the money problem, they also can contact ?? have an opportunity to learn? with newly developed technologies, and can make good relationships with various types of great experts in their fields. Furthermore, they can enjoy more convenient lifestyle in the countries where they stay. Everything of those All benefits will be motivations for their business performance.
Of course, it is true that this phenomenon is directly related with the shortage phenomena of skilled human resources. However, it can be solved by various types of ways, for instance, investment for industries and providing conditional scholarships for elite students which are related with work after graduation. If using those ways, then the poor countries cannot lose their high quality workers.
To sum up, this immigration phenomenon is really common in this modern society. Therefore, many poor countries suffer from the shortage of high qualified people. However, it is the workers' choice and it can be solved by various types of ways. That is why if the poor countries run some policies, such as, <-no comma investments and fellowships, then they can save their workforce.
(261 words)
SCORE: 5
Comment: 서론이 본론에 비해 너무 깁니다. 최소 250자라고 명시되어 있고 261자를 완성하셨으나, 더 높은 점수를 목표하신다면 본론에 내용을 더 넣어 300자 이상 쓰신다고 생각하시면 되겠습니다. 어색한 단어 선택과 표현이 있습니다. 표시해둔 부분의 문법도 따로 복습하셔야겠습니다. |