▶ Your Answer :
These days, many people use cars. Using many cars causes many a lot of troubles. However, I think that the government does not restrict<(restrict what? be specific) because cars have many advantages.<bad coherence> This essay will discuss troubles which cars cause and my opinion in details.
There are some arguments that cars cause environment pollution and people's health trouble. To start with, air pollution is getting serious as far as we use cars. Since, cars use fossil fuel, it car is the main cause of air pollution. Also, automobiles are responsible for global warming global warming is responsible for car. In addition, it has an negative influence on people's health, if they use cars too much a lot. Unless the government restricts <(restricts what?), the number of walking people decreases, which cause fatess<???not a word). Also, car smog brings illness such as asthma.<(Need to organize better) (Need better transition)
However, I strongly argue that cars should not be restricted because cars bring convenience. For example, delivery services use cars. cars can deliver the a mount of products and many a lot of people quickly. In addition, cars are not only the reason to produce large amounts of make a lot of smog. Air planes and factories emit pollutants more than cars.<Bad coherence> Proper use of using cars has a positive influence on our life.<what is proper use of cars?) Therefore, we do not need to discourage people to use cars.
It is clear that cars make smog. However, cars bring convenience when used properly using proper. <(Needs improvement.)
Score: 4 Comment: 내용은 좋은데 정리가 되어 있지 않고 연결성이 떨어 지는 부분이 있습니다. 또한 글자수가 250 미만 입니다. 패널티를 받지 않기 위해서는 250~275 이상은 써주셔야합니다. 문법상 singular plural/표현 에 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 쓰시는 단어들이 많이 한정적인게 보입니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현을 쓰시고 질문에서 나온 표현들 외에 쓰시는 것을 추천 합니다. 그리고 specificity에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다.
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