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Due to globalisation, nowadays people nowadays can easily acquire many of tangible assets including cars, TVs and fridges. These easily access of goods could make our lives more comfortable, while it could cause the massive production lines and oversupply of goods. This essay will discuss the negative parts of development.<(why just negative parts?) (질문에 대한 답이 clear 하지 않습니다) (Need better transition) Cars, TVs and fridges have made our lives more comfortable. Cars can enable people to travel a long distance in a short time and TV provides the entertainment whereas fridges are the improvement for storing foods. Therefore, these have a definite benefit to improve our lifestyles to be more luxurious. (Need better transition) Majority of the people are possessed of at least one of cars, TVs and fridges nowadays. Since the possession of those items becomes the method to measure other person's earning status, that could result people to desire more luxurious cars, TVs and fridges. The maintenance of goods and the first installment can be expensive, so possessing luxury goods may require a lot of finances. To support all those finances, people may have to work more which would cause more stresses. (Need better transition) Since everybody in the whole world wants to buy cars, TVs and fridges, massive factory manufacturing could be an inevitable choice. Factory manufacturing of products can result in oversupply of goods, which could become a trash. Oversupply could be the problem for trash issues but also massive producing products could make the latest model become obsolete. In conclusion, despite the convenience provided by cars, TVs and fridges, I believe that, the society becomes materialistic, and will end up with massive manufacturing production and oversupply. Thus, those developments would have influenced our society more negatively.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair하나 글쓴이의 주장이 introduction 에서 clear하지 않게 들리고 문단별 흐름(연결성)/cohesion/transition이 좋지 않습니다. 흐름이나 transition/cohesion이 좋지 않으면 에세이의 전체적인 unity가 떨어져 보입니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 조금 더 신경을 서주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |